Queer Imposter Syndrome: Kulimbana ndi Biphobia Yapakatikati ngati Afro-Latina

Zamkati

• Amayi anga ndi ine sitinakambirane za kugonana kwanga kwa zaka zina 12.
• Ma biphobia ambiri amkati amadzifunsa nokha chifukwa ena amalowa m'mutu mwanu.
• Popanda zitsanzo zowoneka bwino m'moyo wanga, kapena pazofalitsa zomwe ndimapeza, sindinadziwe chomwe chinali chabwino.
• Zinatenga nthawi yayitali kuti mubwere ku bisexual

"Ndiye, ukuganiza kuti ndiwe wokonda amuna kapena akazi okhaokha?"

Ndili ndi zaka 12, ndakhala mchimbudzi, ndikuyang'ana amayi anga akuwongola tsitsi lawo asanakagwire ntchito.

Kamodzi, mnyumbamo muli chete. Palibe mlongo wachichepere yemwe amayenda mozungulira ndikusokoneza oyandikana nawo pansi pathu. Palibe bambo opeza akumuthamangitsa, kumuuza kuti akhale chete. Chilichonse ndi choyera komanso chowala. Takhala m'nyumba iyi ku Jersey kwa chaka chimodzi tsopano.

Amayi anga amatsitsa mbale zachitsulo kutsitsi lawo, ma curls omwe amawumbidwa tsopano chifukwa cha kuwonongeka kwa kutentha kwanthawi zonse. Kenako, modekha akuti, "Ndiye, ukuganiza kuti ndiwe wokonda amuna kapena akazi okhaokha?"

Izi zimandidzidzimutsa. Ine, womangika m'zovala zomwe sizinasinthe momwe ndimasinthira, ndikumenya mawu, "Chiyani?"

“Tití Jessie anakumva ukulankhula ndi m'bale wako. ” Zomwe zikutanthauza kuti adatenga foni yakunyumba kuti akazonde zokambirana zathu. Zabwino.

Mayi anga amayika chowongolacho pansi, kutembenuka kuchokera momwe amawonera kuti ayang'ane pa ine. "Ndiye ukufuna kuyika pakamwa pako pa nyini ya mtsikana wina?"

Mwachibadwa, mantha ambiri amabwera. "Chani? Ayi! ”

Akubwerera ku galasi. “Chabwino, ndiye. Ndi zomwe ndimaganiza. "

Ndipo izo zinali kuti.

Amayi anga ndi ine sitinakambirane za kugonana kwanga kwa zaka zina 12.

Nthawi imeneyo ndinali ndekha, nthawi zambiri ndimakhala ndikukaikira. Kuganiza, inde, mwina akulondola.

Ndidawerenga mabuku onse achikondi onena za amuna olimba kutsatira atsikana olimba omwe adayamba kuwafewerera. Pofika pachimake pamtundu wina, ndinalibe china chofunikira mpaka nditakwanitsa zaka 17. Iye ndi ine tidasanthula kulowa muuchikulire limodzi mpaka nditamudutsa.

Ndinapita ku koleji ku Southern New Jersey, pasukulu ina yomwe imadziwika ndi mapulogalamu ake okalamba komanso milandu. Mutha kuganiza kuti anzanga akusukulu anali otani.

Ndinali woyendetsa, kotero ndimadutsa pagalimoto ku Atlantic City - makamaka Wakuda, nditathedwa nzeru ndi ulova, kuyang'aniridwa ndi makasino akuthamangira mlengalenga - komanso kudera lamapiri la m'mbali mwa gombe.

Mbendera za Blue Blue Line zidadzaza kapinga wa nyumba zomwe ndidadutsa, zokumbutsa kosalekeza komwe anthu omwe adandizungulira adayima pokhudzana ndi umunthu wanga ngati msungwana Wakuda.

Chifukwa chake mwachiwonekere kunalibe malo ochuluka a mtsikana wovuta, wolowerera wakuda yemwe amangodziwa kupanga mabwenzi pomangiriza kwa munthu wapafupi kwambiri.

Sindinkavutikabe mumdima wanga, ndipo ndikuganiza ana ena akuda ku koleji yanga amatha kudziwa izi.

Chifukwa chake ndidapeza nyumba yokhala ndi mabuku ena akuluakulu. Ndinazolowera kutchera khutu kuchokera kwa anthu omwe sanali amtundu wanga, pomwe nthawi yomweyo sindinakhale mtundu wa omwe adandipatsa chidwi changa. Izi zidapanga zovuta zomwe zidapangitsa kuti azigonana angapo omwe adawonetsa kufunikira kwanga kusamaliridwa ndi kutsimikizika.

Ndinali "msungwana woyamba wakuda" kwa amuna ambiri azungu azungu. Kukhala kwanga chete kunandipangitsa kukhala wofikirika. Zowonjezera "zovomerezeka"

Anthu ambiri amangokhalira kundiuza zomwe ndili kapena zomwe ndikufuna. Tikakhala mozungulira malo wamba ndi anzanga, tinkachita nthabwala za maubale athu.

Momwe anzanga amandionera ndikunyamula thupi pambuyo pathupi, onsewo ndi amuna, adayamba kupanga nthabwala pakuwona kudandaula kwanga.

Ma biphobia ambiri amkati amadzifunsa nokha chifukwa ena amalowa m'mutu mwanu.

Anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amapanga pang'ono kupitirira 50 peresenti ya gulu la LGBTQIA, komabe nthawi zambiri timapangidwa kuti timve ngati kuti sitikuwoneka kapena sitili. Monga tasokonezeka, kapena sitinadziwebe. Ndinayamba kugula lingaliro ili ndekha.

Pomwe ndidagonana ndi mkazi, inali nthawi yanga yoyamba itatu. Zinali zambiri. Ndinali woledzera pang'ono komanso wosokonezeka, sindinadziwe momwe ndingayendere matupi awiri nthawi imodzi, kulumikiza ubale wa awiriwa ndikuyang'ana kwambiri kulipira maphwando onsewo.

Ndidasiya kuyanjanaku nditasokonezeka pang'ono, ndikufuna kuuza chibwenzi changa za izi, koma ndimalephera chifukwa chofunsa-osanenapo za ubale wathu wotseguka.

Ndimapitilizabe kugonana ndi azimayi pakamasewera pagulu ndikupitilizabe kumva kuti "sindinakwanitse."

Kuyanjana koyamba kuja, ndi zina zambiri zotsatirazi, sikunamveke changwiro. Idawonjezera kulimbana kwanga kwamkati.

Kodi ndinalidi mwa akazi ena? Ndinali ine kokha kukopeka ndi akazi? Sindinali kulola ndekha kumvetsa kuti queer kugonana angakhalenso zochepa kuposa kukhutiritsa komanso.

Ndidakumana ndi zovuta zambiri ndi amuna, komabe sindinakayikire zokopa zanga kwa iwo.

Popanda zitsanzo zowoneka bwino m'moyo wanga, kapena pazofalitsa zomwe ndimapeza, sindinadziwe chomwe chinali chabwino.

Malo omwe ndimakhala nawo adandipangitsa kudzidalira. Nditabwerera kunyumba ku NYC, ndidazindikira momwe zambiri inali kupezeka kunja kwa kolala yabuluu, dera lomwe nthawi zambiri limakhala lokakamira lomwe ndidakulira.

Nditha kukhala polyamorous. Nditha kukhala wokonda zogonana komanso kinky, ndipo nditha kukhala wopusa ngati f ck. Ngakhale tili ndi ubale ndi amuna.

Ndidazindikira pomwe ndidayamba kwenikweni chibwenzi mkazi, ndimakhala ndikuwotcha zogonana mosalekeza - monga mayi anga anali zaka zapitazo.

Pokambirana koyambirira kuja, sanandifunse ngati ndikufuna kuyika kukamwa kwanga kumaliseche kwa mnyamata. Ndikadakhala ndi mayankho omwewo! Ndinali wamng'ono kwambiri kuti ndimvetsetse chiwerewere chonse, osatengera ziwalo zamthupi zomwe zimakhudzidwa.

Maganizo anga kwa mtsikanayo anali enieni komanso osangalatsa komanso osangalatsa. Ndidadzimva wotetezeka kuposa momwe ndimakhalira pachibwenzi, mwaubale wa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Pamene idasungunuka isadayambike, ndidakhumudwa ndikutaya zomwe ndinali nazo pafupifupi.

Zinatenga nthawi yayitali kuti mubwere ku bisexual

Kwa ine, zimatanthawuza kukopa kwa 50-50 kugonana kulikonse. Ndidafunsa ngati zikuphatikiza zikhalidwe zina za amuna ndi akazi, inenso - ndidasankha pansexual kapena queer koyambirira.

Ngakhale ndimagwiritsabe ntchito mawuwa kuti ndizizindikiritse, ndakhala womasuka kulandira mawuwa wamba, kumvetsetsa tanthauzo lake kumasintha nthawi zonse.

Kugonana kwa ine sikunakhalepo konse who Ndimakopeka. Zili choncho makamaka za omwe ndatseguka.

Ndipo moona mtima, ndiye aliyense. Sindikumvanso kufunikira koti ndikhale wotsimikiza kwa aliyense - ngakhale kwa ine ndekha.

Gabrielle Smith ndi wolemba ndakatulo komanso wolemba wochokera ku Brooklyn. Amalemba za chikondi / kugonana, matenda amisala, komanso kudutsana. Mutha kupitiliza naye Twitter ndipo Instagram.