Katswiri Waubwenzi Amalemerera Pampikisano wa 'Spark' vs. 'Checking Boxes'

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"Mumandikwanira mabokosi ambiri, ndipo zimandisangalatsa kwambiri, ndipo ndimakhala womasuka ndi inu, koma pali kuwalako komwe ndakhala ndikuyang'ana ndipo sindikudziwa ngati kulipobe."

Munayamba mwamvapo mawu owopsa awa kuchokera kwa omwe mungakhale nawo? Pa Lolemba gawo la Bachelor mu Paradiso, owonerera adawona pomwe Jessenia Cruz adalankhula mawuwa kwa Ivan Hall yemwe anali ndi chibwenzi. "Ndiye chofunikira ndi chiyani kwa iwe, kuthetheka kapena mabokosi?" Hall adafunsanso Cruz. Yankho lake: "Kuthetheka sichinthu chomwe tingakakamize." (Onani: Maphunziro 6 a Ubwenzi omwe Mungaphunzire kuchokera ku 'Bachelor In Paradise')

Kupitilira kwa kuwira komwe kuli Paradaiso, komabe, mwina mungakhale mukuganiza: chomwe chili chofunikira kwambiri pakusaka bwenzi, "kuyang'ana mabokosi" kapena "spark?" Ndi funso lomwe ambiri adakumana nalo m'maulendo awo ochezera, ndipo mwina sizingakhale zachiphamaso momwe zikuwonekera. Monga kugonana, ubale, komanso othandizira azaumoyo - osanenapo Wophunzira aficionado - nayi malingaliro anga pankhaniyi.

Choyamba, tiyeni tikambirane za mabokosiwo. Zitha kukhala zofanizira zosiyanasiyana zomwe zimakukhudzani komanso maubale anu. Mwachitsanzo, Lolemba nkhani ya Bachelor Mu Paradaiso, wopikisana nawo Joe Amabile adagawana naye, Serena Pitt, kuti iye ndi bwenzi lake lazaka ziwiri, Kendall Long, adasiyana chifukwa amafuna kukhala pafupi ndi okondedwa ake ku Chicago pomwe amafunanso chimodzimodzi koma ku Los Angeles. Kukhala ndikumvetsetsa kofananira pazosankha zazikulu pamoyo, monga momwe mungayikitsire mizu, ndi bokosi lofunikira kuti muwone, chifukwa ndikofunikira kuti mukhale ndiubwenzi wosangalala komanso wathanzi.

Mabokosi ena anthu amafuna kuti azigwirizana ndi chipembedzo, malingaliro andale, ndalama, kugonana, moyo wawo, ndi ana, pakati pa ena. Izi ndi zinthu zomwe ena angatchule kuti "kukhala wamkulu pamapepala." Ndiwo mikhalidwe yofunikira ndi njira zowonera ndikugwira ntchito padziko lapansi. Mwachitsanzo, ngati wina akufuna kukhala ndi bwenzi lofuna kukhala nalo ndipo panopa akuphwanya munthu yemwe ali womasuka kugwira ntchito yomweyi moyo wawo wonse, akhoza kukhala bokosi losasankhidwa. Limodzi mwa mabokosiwa ndi gawo la "phukusi lonse" lomwe mukuyang'ana. Palibe masamu omwe angakuuzeni zomwe mabokosiwo ali, zomwe zimayenera kufufuzidwa, kapena mabokosi angati omwe akuyenera kufufuzidwa kuti mutenge wina wofanana naye - muyenera kusankha nokha zonsezo. (Zogwirizana: Kodi Kukopa Komwe Kumadziwika Ndi Kofunika Bwanji Muubwenzi?)

Nanga bwanji za "spark"? Imeneyo, makamaka, ndi njira ina yonena kuti "umagwirira" - makamaka zachiwerewere kapena zachikondi. FYI, pali mitundu yosiyanasiyana ya chemistry yomwe mutha kukhala nayo ndi anthu. Mwachitsanzo, mutha kukhala ndi luso kulenga chemistry ndi munthu m'modzi komanso wotentha kugonana chemistry ndi winawake. Mawu oti chemistry amangofotokozera momwe zimachitikira muubongo zomwe zimakuwuzani kuti: "Tiyeni tikhale nthawi yambiri ndi munthuyu."

Pali sayansi ina kumbuyo kwa malingaliro awa, nawonso. Kukondana komanso kukopeka ndi kugonana kumatha kuwonedwa bwino muubongo. Chikondi chachikondi chimatha kugawidwa m'magawo atatu: kukhumbira, kukopa, ndi kudziphatika, ndipo gulu lililonse limakhala ndi mahomoni omwe amatulutsidwa muubongo kuti "gawo" likhalepo, malinga ndi kafukufuku wochokera ku Yunivesite ya Rutgers.

Pulogalamu yachilakolako amadziwika ndi mahomoni ogonana komanso obereka estrogen ndi testosterone. Gawoli limayendetsedwa kwambiri ndi chikhumbo chofuna kukhutitsa kugonana, komanso chidwi chofuna kuberekana, malinga ndi kafukufukuyu. Mwakutero, eya, chilakolako ndikungofuna kugonana.

Pulogalamu ya gawo lokopa (taganizirani izi ngati "gawo lokondwerera nthawi yaukwati"), ladzaza ndi dopamine (kachilombo kamene kamagwirizane ndi chisangalalo), norepinephrine (mnzake wama neurotransmitter yemwe amathandizira thupi kuthana ndi kupsinjika), ndi serotonin (neurotransmitter ina yomwe imadziwika pakuwongolera momwe mumamverere) . Ili ndiye gawo lomwe anthu ambiri amakhala nalo nthawi yomwe "amasankha" wokondedwayo Bachelor Mu Paradaiso.

Pulogalamu ya gawo lokulumikiza Zimakhudza mankhwala osiyanasiyana muubongo wanu kuposa kukopa, makamaka oxytocin (hormone ndi neurotransmitter yotchedwa "bonding hormone" yomwe imapangidwa ndi hypothalamus imatha kutulutsidwa mokulirapo pogonana) ndi vasopressin (hormone yomwe imatha kuchulukirachulukira mukamagonana kwambiri). zachikondi).

Liwu loti 'chemistry' likungofotokozera zomwe zimachitika muubongo zomwe zimakuwuzani kuti: 'Tiyeni tikhale nthawi yambiri ndi munthuyu.'

Chifukwa chake, mankhwala omwe amakupangitsani kukhala muubwenzi wanthawi yayitali alibe chochita ndi mankhwala omwe amakukokerani kwa mnzanu poyamba. Ndiyo njira yophweka yonenera. Mutha repangani malingaliro azilakolako ndi zokopa za munthu wina mtsogolo muubwenzi - koma ndizosatheka kupanga iwo ngati kulibe. Ndipo ndiye kuthetheka kumene awa Bachelor Mu Paradaiso opikisana nawo akuwoneka kuti akukamba za. (Zokhudzana: The Bachelorette Kodi Kuphunzitsa Anthu Ambiri Kuyatsa Gasi 101)

Kotero, eya, Cruz anali wolondola pamene adanena kuti chemistry siingakakamizidwe. Chowonadi ndi chakuti, anthu ndi nyama zovuta, kotero chemistry imakhala yovuta kwambiri: Sizotheka kukakamiza chemistry, koma ndizotheka kumva kuti chemistry imakula mwachilengedwe pomwe sinakhaleko kale. Kodi munayamba mwakondana ndi mnzanu? Sizikumveka.

Ndipo pambali, chemistry yokha sikokwanira pa mgwirizano wothandizira komanso wokhalitsa. Kuti mukhale ndiubwenzi wabwino komanso otetezeka, muyenera kukhala ndi "ubale wapamtima", malinga ndi chiphunzitso chochokera ku The Gottman Institute, bungwe lomwe limafufuza za ubale.Pali "zipinda" zisanu ndi ziwiri (kumanga mapu achikondi kapena kudziwana wina ndi mzake, kugawana chikondi ndi kusirira, kutembenukira kapena kupereka chithandizo kwa mnzanu, malingaliro abwino, kuthetsa mikangano, kupanga maloto a moyo, ndi kupanga tanthauzo limodzi), ndi "makoma" awiri (kudzipereka ndi chikhulupiriro). Chemistry ikhoza kukupangitsani kumva kuti ndinu olumikizidwa kwambiri ndi munthu wina, koma popanda maziko olimba a ubale, kuwalako sikungakhale kokwanira kwa nthawi yayitali, kapena kutha kupita kudera lapoizoni.

Chofunika ndichakuti, zonsezi ndizovuta kuzisankha posankha bwenzi Paradaiso. M'nkhani ino makamaka, zikuwoneka kuti chilakolako chidzalamulira nthawi zonse pa mgwirizano wochepa kwambiri womwe ungathe kumanga. Zatheka bwanji? Chabwino, pawonetsero, opikisanawo ayenera kupanga zisankho mwachangu za yemwe akufuna kukhala naye. Amatha kukulungidwa ndi chibwenzi chamkuntho, kumangoyang'ana pamakombola kuposa kulumikizana komwe kumatha kukula pakapita nthawi. (Zogwirizana: Zomwe Zimatanthauzadi Kukhala Ndi Chikhalidwe Chagonana Ndi Winawake)

Kodi Cruz adasankha bwino Lolemba? Ngati pali chinthu chimodzi chomwe mungachotse pakuwonerera Bachelor Mu Paradaiso, n’chakuti simungasankhire wina aliyense chosankha chabwino kapena choyenera.

Zingatenge nthawi kuti muwone momwe mumalumikizirana ndi munthu. Kaya zimatenga masekondi atatu (monga momwe kafukufuku wina wanenera) kapena zaka zitatu, mverani chidziwitso chanu ndikuchita zomwe zimakusangalatsani.

Chinthu chimodzi choyenera kusamala mukafuna kutengera chibadwa chanu, ndikupwetekedwa mtima kosasinthika. Kuvulala kosasinthika (mabala amisala osathetsedwa am'mbuyomu) kumatha kukhala ngati "malingaliro am'matumbo" kapena chidziwitso. Ubongo wanu umalumikizidwa kuti mukhale otetezeka, ndipo nthawi zina zimatsutsana ndi zomwe mukufuna mwadala. Mwachitsanzo, ngati munakumana ndi vuto lalikulu muubwenzi wanu womaliza, ubongo wanu udzayesa kukulepheretsani kuchitanso chimodzimodzi - zomwe zimatha kusokoneza ubongo wanu mwayi uliwonse waubwenzi kuti mutetezeke. Zovutazo zitakonzedwa, mutha kukhala ndi zokumana nazo zatsopano ndi malingaliro ozindikira komanso apano. (Onani: Momwe Mungagwiritsire Ntchito Pazovuta, Malinga ndi Katswiri)

Ndiye chofunika kwambiri ndi chiyani paubwenzi: cheke mabokosi, kapena spark? Palibe yankho limodzi. Zimatsikira kwa iwe kudzidziwa wekha mokwanira kuti umvetsetse chilakolako ndi zokopa zomwe zimamverera mthupi lako - osatchula, mikhalidwe ndi mikhalidwe yomwe mumafuna kwambiri mwa mnzanu. Iyenera kumverera bwino, ndipo iyenera kumverera bwino, koma itha kukhalanso mndandanda wazomwe zingakhumudwitse nthawi yomweyo. Mukamadziwa zambiri za inu nokha ndi zomwe mukufuna, zimakhala zosavuta kuzindikira pamene mabokosi anu ayang'aniridwa, pamene mukumva kutentha, komanso kudziwa momwe mukufunikira kuti aliyense amve kukhutitsidwa ndi kugwirizana.

Rachel Wright, MA, LM.FT, (iye) ndiamisala ovomerezeka, ophunzitsa zogonana komanso katswiri wazamaubwenzi ku New York City. Ndi wokamba nkhani waluso, wotsogolera gulu, komanso wolemba. Adagwira ntchito ndi anthu masauzande padziko lonse lapansi kuwathandiza kuti angofuula zochepa komanso kuwombera kwambiri.

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