9 Zikhulupiriro Zabanja Zosiyiratu Kukhulupirira

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Wolemba Amanda Chatel wa YourTango

Pali zonena zabodza zambiri zakusudzulana zomwe zimakhudzabe anthu athu. Pongoyambira, ngakhale tidamva, kuchuluka kwa anthu osudzulana kwenikweni si 50 peresenti. M'malo mwake, chiwerengerocho ndichimodzi chomwe chinafotokozedwera potengera kuti ziwonetsero zakusudzulana zidakwera m'ma 1970 ndi 80s.

Zowona, malinga ndi chidutswa cha New York Times December wapitawu, n’chakuti ziŵerengero za zisudzulo zikutsika, kutanthauza kuti “mwachisangalalo mpaka kalekale” ndikothekera kopambana.

Tinayankhula ndi wothandizira a Susan Pease Gadoua komanso mtolankhani Vicki Larson, olemba buku lotsegulira maso Chatsopano Ndichita: Kukonzanso Ukwati kwa Okayikira, Owona ndi Opanduka, kuti atengere maganizo awo pa ukwati wamakono, nthano zonena za chisudzulo, ndi ziyembekezo ndi zenizeni zimene zimabwera ndi zonse ziŵirizo. Izi ndi zomwe Gadoua ndi Larson anatiuza.

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1. Ukwati umodzi mwa awiriwa umatha m’kusudzulana

Monga momwe ndalembera pamwambapa, chiwerengerocho ndi chiwerengero cha 50 peresenti chomwe chidatengera kuchuluka komwe kukuyembekezeka kutha kwambiri. Zaka za m'ma 70 zinali zaka 40 zapitazo, ndipo zambiri zasintha kuyambira pamenepo. Ngakhale kuchuluka kwa mabanja osudzulana kudakulirakulira mzaka za 1970 ndi 1980, adatsikadi mzaka 20 zapitazi.

Nyuzipepala ya New York Times anapeza kuti 70 peresenti ya maukwati amene anachitika m’zaka za m’ma 1990 anafikadi pofika zaka zawo 15 za ukwati. Ziwerengero zikuwonetsanso kuti, chifukwa cha anthu okwatirana mtsogolo, kukhwima kumathandiza kuti anthu azikhala limodzi nthawi yayitali. Mulimonse momwe zinthu zikuyendera, pali mwayi woti magawo awiri mwa atatu a mabanja atha kukhala limodzi ndipo chisudzulo sichingachitike.

Chotero ngati chiŵerengero cha chisudzulo sichili 50 peresenti, nchiyani? Zimatengera nthawi yomwe okwatirana akwatirana, akufotokoza Vicki. "Pafupifupi 15 peresenti ya iwo omwe amamanga mfundo mzaka za 2000 asudzulana, koma ambiri mwa mabanjawa mwina sanakhalebe ndi ana-ana amawonjezera kupsinjika muukwati. Mwa iwo omwe adakwatirana mzaka za m'ma 1990, 35% adagawanika. okwatirana m’ma 1960 ndi m’ma 1970 ali ndi chiŵerengero cha chisudzulo m’chiŵerengero cha 40-45 peresenti.

2. Kusudzulana kumavulaza ana

Malinga ndi a Gadoua, chisudzulo chimatha kukhala chopanikiza kwa ana, koma osati kwambiri zovulaza. Zomwe zimawononga kwambiri makolo akumenyera pamaso pa ana.

"Talingalirani izi. Ndani amakonda kukhala pafupi ndi mikangano nthawi zonse? Mavuto amafalikira ndipo ana makamaka alibe zida zotetezera kusamvana mokwiya ndi makolo awo," akufotokoza Gadoua. "Pali kafukufuku wambiri wosonyeza kuti zomwe ana amafunikira kwambiri kuposa chilichonse ndi malo okhazikika ndi amtendere. Izi zikhoza kukhala ndi makolo okhala pamodzi, koma zimatha kuchitika pamene makolo akukhala kutali. Chinsinsi ndi chakuti makolowo azigwirizana. ndipo azikhala pomwepo chifukwa cha ana awo. Ana sayenera kugwidwa pamoto wa makolo, kuwagwiritsa ntchito ngati zipolopolo, kapena kuchitidwa ngati amuna kapena akazi ena. Ayenera kumasuka ndikudzidalira kuti makolo awo ali ndi udindo. "

3. Maukwati achiwiri amatha kutha


Ngakhale powerengera izi ndi zowona, maukwati a Living Apart Pamodzi (LAT) ndi zinthu zina monga kusamvana mosazindikira zikusintha izi poyesa zikhalidwe zamomwe ukwati ungakhalire ndikupereka zosankha zina za momwe okwatirana angakhalire moyo wawo.

Gadoua ndi Larson amalimbikitsa maanja kuti afufuze njira zimenezi mokwanira. "Tonse ndife a inu kusankha ukwati wa LAT-kapena kupatsana malo muukwati wanu womwe ulipo - chifukwa umakupatsirani inu ndi mnzanu zomwe mukufuna: kulumikizana ndi chiyanjano ndi ufulu wokwanira kupewa claustrophobia yomwe nthawi zambiri imabwera ndikukhala limodzi. 24/7 komanso chilichonse chomwe chimapangitsa anthu ambiri kumangotenga zinthu mosaganizira, kaya ndi okwatirana kapena akukhala limodzi, "adatero.

4. Kutha kwa banja ndi "kulephera"

Sizingatheke. Kaya ndi banja loyambira (banja lomwe limatha zaka zisanu osabereka ana) kapena banja lomwe lakhala nthawi yayitali, kusudzulana sikutanthauza kuti mwalephera.

Njira yokhayo yomwe tingadziwire ngati ukwati ukuyenda bwino kapena ayi ndi kutalika kwautali waukwati. ndipo tsopano akufuna kutengera njira ina m'miyoyo yawo.N'chifukwa chiyani zimenezo zalephereka?Taonani Al ndi Tipper Gore.Oulutsa nkhani anali kufuula kuti aimbe mlandu penapake, komabe panalibe aliyense ndipo palibe cholakwa.Banja lawo linatha. ndi madalitso awo onse, "atero a Gadoua ndi a Larson.

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5. Ukulu wa ukwati ndi mtengo wake zimagwirizana ndi kutalika kwa ukwati

Kumayambiriro kwa mwezi uno Nyuzipepala ya New York Times adafalitsa kachidutswa ka kugwirizana pakati pa kukula ndi mtengo wa ukwati ndi zotsatira zake pautali wa ukwati. Pomwe olemba kafukufukuwa, a Andrew Francis-Tan ndi a Hugo M. Mialon, adati ndalama zowonongera maukwati komanso nthawi yokwatirana zitha kukhala "zogwirizana," sanathe kudziwa kuti ndi ukwati uti, wokwera mtengo kapena wotsika mtengo, womwe ungakhale ndi mwayi waukulu wosudzulana .

Gadoua ndi Larson adagwirizana, mozungulira. Kuwononga ndalama zambiri pa mphete ya chinkhoswe ndi ukwati kungatanthauze kuti ukwati uyambika ndi ngongole zambiri, ndipo palibe chomwe chimasokoneza mabanja kuposa ndalama, "Zomwe maphunziro athu ndi zomwe ena akuwoneka zikuwonetsa ndikuti umunthu-wokhala wachifundo, wowolowa manja , kuyamikira, ndi zina zotero - komanso kuyerekeza zomwe akuyembekeza ndi njira zabwino zowonetsera kuti banja likhoza kukhala losangalala, "adalongosola.

6. Mutha (ndipo muyenera) kuthetsa ukwati wanu

Monga momwe Larson analembera m’nkhani yake ya Divorce360 , “simungathe kukhala ndi chibwenzi—kapena kutsimikizira chisudzulo muukwati chifukwa chakuti simungalamulire khalidwe la munthu wina, mungathe kudzilamulira nokha.”

Titamufunsa za mutuwu, adalongosola kuti: "Simungathe kuwongolera zomwe mnzanu akuchita ndipo ngati mungatero zitha kukhala zowopsa! Mutha kukhala wokwatirana bwino kwambiri ndikuchita zonse zomwe maubwenzi akatswiri amafotokoza-kuyambira pachibwenzi ndi mnzanu mpaka kugonana kwabwino komanso pafupipafupi mpaka kukhala wothandizana naye, woyamikira—ndipo amasudzulanabe.”

Larson adawonjezeranso kuti simuyenera ngakhale kufuna kusudzulana - umboni waukwati wanu, chifukwa nthawi zina zimakhala bwino kusiya ndikupitilira.

7. Kukhalira limodzi musanalowe m’banja kumachepetsa mwayi wothetsa banja

Zakhala zikunenedwa kuti omwe amakhala limodzi asanakwatirane atha kusudzulana, koma kafukufuku waposachedwa akuti izi sizowona.

Kafukufuku wopangidwa ndi 2014 wolemba pulofesa Arielle Kuperberg wochokera ku Yunivesite ya North Carolina ku Greensboro adapeza kuti, mosiyana ndi zikhulupiriro zabodza, kukhala pamodzi kapena kusakhala limodzi musanakwatirane kulibe kanthu kuti chibwenzi chanu chitha kapena ayi . Pakafukufuku wake, Kuperberg adapeza kuti chomwe chimagwira ntchito ndi momwe achinyamatawa amapangira kukhalira limodzi, chifukwa "kukhala wachichepere kwambiri ndizomwe zimayambitsa kusudzulana."

Maukwati a ku LAT nawonso akusokoneza mgwirizano pakati pa kukhalira limodzi ndi zotsatira zake pachisudzulo. Mabanja, makamaka okalamba, akusankha kukhala okha, koma amatha kusungitsa maanja awo osangalala, athanzi, komanso amoyo.

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8. Kusakhulupirika kumathetsa mabanja.

Ngakhale kuli kosavuta kunena kuti kusakhulupirika ndi komwe kumayambitsa maukwati kutha, sizomwe zimachitika nthawi zonse.

Monga Eric Anderson, katswiri wa zachikhalidwe cha anthu wa ku America ku yunivesite ya Winchester ku England komanso mlembi wa Kusiyana kwa Monogamy: Amuna, Chikondi, komanso Kuonera Kwabodza, adauza Larson, "Kusakhulupirika sikuwononga maukwati; ndichokuyembekezera kopanda tanthauzo kuti banja liyenera kuletsa kugonana komwe kumathetsa banja… Ndawonapo maubale ambiri atalitali chifukwa choti wina adagonana kunja kwa chibwenzi. Koma kumverera kuti kuzunzidwa si zotsatira zachilengedwe zogonana osagonana ndi munthu wina yemwe simunakwatirane naye;

9. Ngati simusangalala nthawi ina mu banja lanu, musudzulana

Ukwati siophweka. Ndi chinthu chomwe chimafunikira mphamvu zambiri, kumvetsetsa, komanso kulumikizana koposa zonse. Chifukwa chakuti panthaŵi inayake simunasangalale sizitanthauza kuti chisudzulo n’chosapeŵeka—ukwati uliwonse uli ndi vuto.

Koma ngati chigamba choyipacho sichingokhala chigamba chabe ndipo mwapereka zonsezo, kuphatikiza kupita kuupangiri wa mabanja kwa miyezi ingapo kapena chaka ("magawo atatu kapena anayi sikokwanira," akutero Gadoua), ndiye mwina ndi nthawi yoyitanira kuti ikutha. Komabe, kumbukirani, kusakhalitsa kwachimwemwe sikutanthauza kuti kutha.

Nkhaniyi poyambirira idawonekera ngati 9 Zikhulupiriro Zabanja Zomwe Muyenera Kuzinyalanyaza (Ndi Zomwe Mungachite M'malo mwake), Inunso pa YourTango.com.

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