Momwe Mungalankhulire ndi Mnzanu Zokhudza Zakale Zanu Zogonana

Zamkati

• N 'chifukwa Chiyani Zimakhala Zovuta Kukambirana Zokhudza Kugonana?
• Momwe Mungakhalire ndi Kukambirana Kwazinthu Zotere
• Nthawi Yiti Paubwenzi Muyenera Kuibweretsa?
• Mmene Mungalankhulire Mwanjira Yolimbitsa Chibwenzi Chanu
• Ngati Iyamba Kupita Kummwera ...
• Chidziwitso: Simuyenera Kugawana Chilichonse
• Onaninso za

Kulankhula za mbiri yanu yakugonana sikoyenda nthawi zonse paki. Kunena zowona, zitha kukhala zowopsa AF.

Mwinamwake zomwe zimatchedwa "nambala" ndizochepa "zapamwamba," mwinamwake mudakhalapo ndi atatu, mwakhala ndi munthu yemwe ali ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kapena muli mu BDSM. Kapena, mwinamwake mukuda nkhawa ndi kusowa kwa chidziwitso chogonana, matenda opatsirana pogonana, mimba yowopsya, kapena kuchotsa mimba yomwe munataya zaka zingapo zapitazo. Mbiri yanu yakugonana ndiyomwe imakonda inu nokha ndipo nthawi zambiri imadzaza ndi malingaliro. Mosasamala kanthu za zomwe mwakumana nazo, ndi nkhani yovuta. Mukafika pamafupa ake, mumafuna kumva kuti muli ndi mphamvu, kukhala ndi chiwerewere, ndikukhala mayi wa bulu wamkulu yemwe samachita manyazi ndi zisankho zake zilizonse ... komanso mukufuna munthu amene muli naye kukulemekezani ndikumvetsetsa. Mukudziwa kuti munthu woyenera sadzakuweruzani kapena kukhala wankhanza, koma sizikutanthauza kuti iwo akhoza zoopsa zilizonse.

Chinthuchi ndikuti, mwina mudzafunika kuti muzicheza nawo pamapeto pake — ndipo siziyenera kuyipa. Umu ndi momwe mungalankhulire ndi mnzanu zokhudzana ndi kugonana kwanu m'njira yabwino komanso yopindulitsa nonse (komanso ubale wanu). Tikukhulupirira, mudzatulukira kumapeto ena chifukwa cha izi.

N 'chifukwa Chiyani Zimakhala Zovuta Kukambirana Zokhudza Kugonana?

Tiyeni tikambirane pang'ono chifukwa chake zimachititsa mantha kulankhula za kugonana poyambirira; chifukwa kudziwa "chifukwa" kungathandizire ndi "motani." (Monga zolinga zolimbitsa thupi!)

"Mbiri yokhudza kugonana ndi yovuta kuyankhula chifukwa anthu ambiri adaphunzitsidwa ndi mabanja awo, chikhalidwe chawo, komanso chipembedzo chawo kuti asalankhule za izi," akutero a Holly Richmond, Ph.D., wololeza wololeza komanso wothandizira mabanja.

Ngati mungasankhe kukana maphunziro a manyazi ndi zosayenera, mudzayamba kumva kuti muli ndi mphamvu ndikutha kulowa mwa inu nokha ngati munthu womasuka pakugonana. Zoonadi, kuchita zimenezo sikungoyenda; zimatenga tani kukula kwamkati ndi kudzikonda. Ngati simukumva kuti muli komweko, chinthu choyamba kuchita ndikupeza wothandizira wabwino kapena wophunzitsa zachiwerewere wotsimikizika yemwe angakuthandizeni paulendowu. Dziwani kuti zidzatengera kudzipereka ndi ntchito; ndi manyazi ambiri pagulu pazakugonana, mwina mungafunike thandizo lina lakunja kuti likuthandizeni kupita komwe mukufuna kupita.

"Mukayamba kumvetsetsa kuti thanzi lanu logonana ndilofunika kwambiri monga thanzi lanu ndi maganizo anu, mudzakhala ndi mphamvu yolankhula zomwe mukufuna komanso zomwe mukufuna," akutero Richmond. (Onani: Momwe Mungalankhulire ndi Mnzanu Pokhudzana Ndi Kufuna Kugonana)

Kuchokera pamenepo, muyenera kuphunzira maluso atsopano olankhulirana kuti mukambirane zogonana chifukwa anthu ambiri sanaphunzitsidwe molondola momwe angakhalire ndi zokambirana zapamtima izi. Kristine D'Angelo, mphunzitsi wodziwika bwino wazakugonana komanso katswiri wazachipatala anati: "Zimakhala zachidziwikire kuti mumachita mantha ndi nkhani yomwe simumakonda kuyankhula makamaka m'mawu komanso kwa munthu yemwe mumayamba kumukonda."

Ndicho chifukwa chake, ngakhale mutadzikumbatira nokha monga mulungu wamkazi wabwino, kunena za kugonana kumatha kukhala kowopsa. Kukhala wamantha pankhani ya kugonana ndi kukhala ndi mphamvu zogonana sizili zoyima paokha; atha kukhala limodzi mkati mwa psyche yovuta kwambiri yaumunthu, ndipo zili bwino.

Momwe Mungakhalire ndi Kukambirana Kwazinthu Zotere

Musanalankhule za zakale zakugonana, dzifunseni zomwe mukuyesera kuti muchoke pazokambiranazi: Kodi ichi ndi chinthu chomwe muyenera kuwulula kuti mukhale ndiubwenzi wapamtima kapena kuti mukhale nokha muubwenzi watsopanowu? D’Angelo anati: “Ngati ukudziwa chifukwa chake wayamba kukambirana, n’kosavuta kusankha nthawi yoyenera kukambirana naye.

Njira 1: Zokambirana zonse siziyenera kuchitika nthawi yomweyo, akufotokoza Moushumi Ghose, M.F.T., yemwe ali ndi chilolezo chothandizira kugonana. "Gwirani mbeu muone momwe yankho likuyendera," akutero. "Pitirizani kusiya mbewu nthawi zonse kuti muwonetsetse kuti zokambirana zanu zikuyenda-izi zimapatsa mwayi woti afunse mafunso." Wina akangoyamba kufunsa mafunso, mutha kuwachepetsa muzogonana musanatchule nkhani zambirimbiri mwadzidzidzi. Mwachitsanzo, mutha kunena kuti zaka zingapo zapitazo inu ndi mnzanu wakale mudali ndi zovuta zitatu; ngati akufunsani mafunso okhudzana ndi kukumana, mutha kugawana zambiri ndi momwe munamvera pazochitikazo.

Njira 2: Njira inanso yofikira pamutuwu ndikukambirana modzipereka, kukhala pansi. Kutengera ndi zomwe mukufuna kugawana komanso mulingo wanu wotonthoza, mutha kusankha ngati izi zikugwirizana ndi inu. Ngati ndi choncho, mudzafuna kukhala pamalo otetezeka momwe nonse mungakhalire osatetezeka wina ndi mnzake (monga: kunyumba, m'malo mokhala anthu ambiri pomwe anthu ena amatha kumvetsera) ndipo mungafunenso kupereka wokondedwa wanu mutu kuti nawonso athe kukonzekera m'maganizo. "Uzani mnzanuyo kuti mukufuna kupatula nthawi kuti mukambirane za mbiri yanu yogonana," akutero D'Angelo. "Gawani chifukwa chomwe mukuwona kuti iyi ingakhale nkhani yofunika kukambirana ndikuwalola kuti akonzekere powapatsa zina zoti aganizire nthawi yanu isanakwane."

Ubale masitaelo ndi osiyana ndipo njira kusankha kuti kukambirana ndi subjective kwa ubale wanu enieni. Mosasamala kanthu, dziwani bwino zomwe mungamve bwino ndikuwulula ndikukambirana mutakweza mutu. (Zogwirizana: Kukambirana Kumeneku Kunasintha Moyo Wanga Wogonana Kuti Ukhale Bwino)

"Onetsetsani kuti mukubweretsanso chidwi chanu pankhani yakugonana kwa mnzanu," akutero D'Angelo. "Inde, mukufuna kuti iwo akumvetseni bwino koma kukhala ndi chidwi chofuna kudziwa za mbiri yawo yakugonana kudzawapatsanso mwayi wokutsegulirani inunso. Ndipamene chibwenzi chozama chimayamba kukula."

Nthawi Yiti Paubwenzi Muyenera Kuibweretsa?

Pali nkhawa yochuluka chifukwa chosafuna kuwulula "mochuluka, posachedwa" muubwenzi, ndipo mbiri ya kugonana ndi chimodzi mwa zinthu zomwe zimagwera pansi pa ambulera.

Komabe, musanagonane, ndikofunikira kuti mukambirane za kugonana kwanu, kuyezetsa matenda opatsirana pogonana, ndi machitidwe ogonana otetezeka. Kukhala womasuka ndi zokambiranazi kaye kudzakuthandizani kukhala ndi zokambirana zakuya, zozama za m'mbuyomu. Kuphatikiza apo, aliyense amene sangaulule za matenda ake opatsirana pogonana, kugwiritsa ntchito kondomu, kapena kukondera za malire anu sindiye munthu yemwe mukufuna kuti mugonane naye - sayenera kukambirana ndikupanga ulemu.

Fotokozerani zakale zakugonana kwanu pomwe zokambirana zimabwera mwachibadwa pakupitilira kwa chibwenzi - chifukwa nthawi zambiri zimangobwera. Pa nthawiyo, mukhoza “kugwetsa njere” n’kumasuka pamutuwo, kapenanso mungaganize zokhala pansi n’kukambirana m’tsogolo.

Pamapeto pa tsiku, kukhala bwino ndi mbiri yanu yogonana nokha ndiye chinthu chofunikira kwambiri kuposa zonse, akuti Richmond. "Zachidziwikire, pakhoza kukhala zokumana nazo zingapo zomwe mungakonde kuchita, koma kupanga zolakwikazo ndi gawo lazomwe zimachitikira anthu, ndipo kumapeto kwa tsikuli, sizingasinthidwe pakukula kwanu."

Ngati mumachita manyazi kwambiri ndi chilichonse m'mbuyomu, lingalirani zolankhula ndi othandizira omwe angakuthandizeni kuthana nazo; mutha kupindula posakhala pachibwenzi mpaka mutachita machiritso amkati.

Mmene Mungalankhulire Mwanjira Yolimbitsa Chibwenzi Chanu

Zachidziwikire, pali mantha kuti kugawana mbiri yakugonana kwanu kungakupangitseni inu kapena mnzanu kukhala wokhumudwa chifukwa chakumbuyo kwakuthengo kapena kosakhala koopsa. Uku ndikofunikira, ndipo kuzinyalanyaza sikuti kumatha.

Ndi zachilendo kudziona kuti ndiwe wosakwanira, ngakhale utakumana ndi zotani-ndizo zonse, aliyense amadzimva kukhala wosakwanira kwa okondedwa a m'mbuyomu, ngakhale atakhala ochepa chabe. "Chifukwa chiyani? Chifukwa mnzake aliyense ndi wosiyana ndipo amakonda zosiyana," akutero a Ghose. Ndikosavuta kugwera mumsampha wofananiza ndikudzigwetsa nokha motsutsana ndi "Ex Iwo Anakhala Naye Ndi Atatu" kapena "Ex Iwo Anakhala Naye Kwa Zaka 10," chifukwa anthu amakonda kudziwononga. Mkazi wakale akhoza kukhala "mulungu wogonana" wamkulu kuposa moyo, ndipo ndikosavuta kuwopa kuti simungakwaniritse za munthu (wopeka) uyu. (Zogwirizana: Kodi Kukhala Abwenzi ndi Ex Wanu Kungakhale Lingaliro Labwino?)

Chofunikira ndikukumbukira kuti kudziona kuti ndiwosakwanira kumachitika mbali zonse ziwiri. Kulankhulana momasuka, moona mtima kungathandize. "Lolani mnzanuyo adziwe kuti mwachiritsa kapena zomwe mwaphunzira za inu nokha pazaka zambiri, komanso kuti sayenera kudzimva kuti ndi operewera kapena osakwanira," akutero Richmond. "Ngati muli olimba mtima pazogonana, koma [muli] okonzeka nthawi zonse kuti muphunzire ndikudziwitsanso zambiri, ndiyembekeza kuti adzakhala nawo paulendowu m'malo mokhala ndi mutu wawo pazomwe akuganiza kuti angathe kapena angathe ' kupereka. "

Musapangitse zokambiranazo kukhala "zowulula zazikulu," koma za inu nonse ndi mbiri yanu yosiyana. D'Angelo akuwonetsa kufunsa kuti:

• Kodi zomwe mudakumana nazo m'mbuyomu zakuphunzitsani chiyani zakugonana kwanu?
• Chifukwa chiyani kugonana ndikofunika kwa inu?
• Ndi mavuto ati okhudza kugonana omwe mudakumana nawo m'mbuyomu?
• Kodi zogonana zanu zam'mbuyomu zasintha bwanji momwe mulili lero?

"Pogawana nawo mafunso awa muwapatsa mwayi wodziwa zomwe mukuyembekeza kuti mufufuze pazokambirana izi," akutero. (Muthanso kudzifunsa mafunso awa poyambitsa buku lachiwerewere kuti muthandize kulingalira za malingaliro anu ndi malingaliro anu.)

Ngati Iyamba Kupita Kummwera ...

Ngati mukuda nkhawa ndi zomwe mnzanu angachite kapena momwe akumvera, dziwani kuti ndizothandiza kufotokoza kuti zokambiranazo ndikugogomezera kumvera chisoni ndikukhala ~ mmenemo ~. Mukabwera kuchokera kumalo ogawana, zitha kupangitsa kuti zinthu zonse zikhale bwino ndikukulimbikitsani kuti mavesi afupikitsidwe abwere kuchokera ku mbali zotsutsana.

Ngati china chake sichikuyenda bwino kapena munthu wina ataweruza kapena kukhumudwitsa, chinthu chabwino kuchita ndikuti, "Izi zikundipweteka. Zomwe ukunenazi zikundibweretsera mavuto. Kodi tingayikenso pini pamenepa? ” Tengani tsiku lokonzekera, kulingalira, ndi kulingalira zomwe anakuuzani. Kumbukirani kuti mitu imeneyi si yophweka kukambapo ndipo zokambiranazi zimakhala zolemetsa; palibe chifukwa choti aliyense wa inu azidziona kuti ndi wolakwa ngati simungathe kungopumira pazambiri zachinsinsi. Ngati mukufuna kuyimilira ndikubwezeretsanso, kumbukirani (ndikumukumbutsa mnzanu) kuti azikhala odekha wina ndi mnzake.

Chidziwitso: Simuyenera Kugawana Chilichonse

Izi zitha kumveka ngati zachilendo, koma siudindo wanu kuwulula zonse za m'mbuyomu. Matenda anu opatsirana pogonana ndichinthu chimodzi, chifukwa zimakhudzana ndi chitetezo chazakugonana, koma nthawi yomwe mumachita zachiwerewere sizinthu zina zosowa kuwulula.

"Pali kusiyana pakati pa chinsinsi ndi chinsinsi. Aliyense ali ndi ufulu wachinsinsi, ndipo ngati pali zinthu zina zakugonana zomwe mukufuna kuzisunga, zili bwino," akutero a Richmond. (Zogwirizana: Zinthu 5 Zomwe Simungafune Kuuza Mnzanu)

Izi sizokhudza kusunga zinsinsi kapena kukhala mwamanyazi. Ndi kusankha kugawana zomwe mukufuna kugawana. Ndi moyo wanu ndipo ngati simukufuna kuti mnzanuyo adziwe za kalabu yogonana yomwe mudapitako koyambirira kwa zaka makumi awiri, ndiye bizinesi yanu. Mwina mungasankhe kugawana zambiri pambuyo pake. Mwina simungatero. Njira iliyonse ndi yabwino.

Gigi Engle ndi katswiri wodziwa za kugonana, wophunzitsa, ndi mlembi wa All The F*cking Mistakes: Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. Tsatirani iye pa Instagram ndi Twitter pa @GigiEngle.

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