Buku Loyambira La Maubwenzi Otseguka

Zamkati

• Kodi ubale weniweni ndi wotani?
• Kodi ndizofanana ndi polyamory?
• Komanso sizofanana ndi kubera
• Kodi ndi chiyani?
• Kodi mungadziwe bwanji ngati zili zoyenera kwa inu?
• Kodi pali maubwino amtundu wina uliwonse?
• Kodi pali zovuta zina zofunika kuziganizira?
• Kodi mungabweretse bwanji ndi mnzanu wapano?
• Mumakhazikitsa malamulo otani?
• Ndi malire ati amalingaliro omwe muyenera kuganizira?
• Ndi malire ati akuthupi ndi okhudzana ndi kugonana omwe muyenera kuwaganizira?
• Kodi muyenera kuyankhulana kangati ndi mnzanu wapamtima za malire?
• Kodi mumabweretsa bwanji ubale wanu kwa yemwe mungakhale naye pachibwenzi chachiwiri?
• Kodi zili ndi vuto ngati mnzanu wachiwiri ali ndi mkazi m'modzi kapena polyamorous?
• Kodi muyenera kuyitanitsa ndi anzanu achiwiri?
• Kodi mungaphunzire kuti?

Timaphatikizapo zinthu zomwe timaganiza kuti ndizothandiza kwa owerenga athu. Ngati mutagula maulalo omwe ali patsamba lino, titha kupeza ndalama zochepa. Nayi njira yathu.

Mabala, malingaliro, mitsuko ya batala. Ndizopatsidwa kuti zinthu izi ndizotsegulidwa bwino. Anthu ambiri osaganizira anzawo anganene kuti maubale ndi omwe ali mndandandandawo.

Kodi ubale weniweni ndi wotani?

Zimatengera amene akuyankha. Pali matanthauzo awiri osiyana.

Woyamba akuti "ubale wotseguka" ndi ambulera yomwe imazungulira mitundu ina yonse yosagwirizana ndi amuna okha, monga monogam-ish, swingers, and polyamory.

Lingaliro ndilakuti njira zokhazokha zotsekedwa, ndipo mitundu yonse yamaubale osakwatirana ndi yotseguka.

Kutanthauzira kwachiwiri (ndikofala kwambiri), akuti maubwenzi otseguka ndi chimodzi mtundu wa ubale wosakondera pansi pa ambulera ya Ethical Nonmonogamous.

Apa, kawirikawiri, maubale otseguka amalingaliridwa kuti amapezeka pakati pa anthu awiri omwe ali pachibwenzi choyambirira omwe avomera kuti atsegule chibwenzi chawo chogonana - koma osati mwachikondi.

Chifukwa chake, ngakhale "ubale wotseguka" nthawi zonse umangonena kuti ubalewo ulipo kunja kwa chimango cha Munthu Mmodzi Ndi Changa Chonse (aka monogamy), kuti mudziwe ndendende zomwe wina amatanthauza nazo, uyenera kufunsa.

Kodi ndizofanana ndi polyamory?

Liz Powell, PsyD, wolemba za kugonana wovomerezeka ndi LGBTQ komanso katswiri wazamisala Liz Powell, PsyD, wolemba "Building Open Relationships: Maupangiri Anu Opangira Swinging, Polyamory, & Beyond" akupereka tanthauzo ili la polyamory:

"Polyamory ndi chizolowezi, kapena kulakalaka, kukhala pachibwenzi ndi / kapena kukhala paubwenzi wapamtima ndi anthu opitilira m'modzi panthawi imodzi, ndi chilolezo cha anthu onse omwe akukhudzidwa."

Chifukwa chake ayi, polyamory siyofanana. Pomwe maubale achikondi komanso achikondi ndi anthu opitilira m'modzi ali momveka ololedwa polyamory, si choncho kwenikweni mu maubwenzi otseguka.

Wophunzitsa zakugonana Davia Frost akuti nthawi zambiri anthu omwe amakhala ndi polyamorous amawona kuti ndi gawo lofunika kwambiri lodziwika, monga momwe anthu ena amawonera kuti ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Nthawi zambiri, anthu omwe ali pamaubwenzi otseguka samva ngati ubale wawo wapano (aka nonmonogamy) ndi gawo lolimba la omwe ali.

Komanso sizofanana ndi kubera

Anthu omwe ali pachibwenzi chovomerezeka ali ndi mgwirizano kuti kugonana kapena maubwenzi apamtima ndi anthu ena ndichabwino.

Kuphatikiza apo, ngakhale kubera kumawerengedwa kuti ndi kosavomerezeka, maubwenzi omasuka - akagwiridwa moyenera - amakhalidwe abwino mwachilengedwe.

Kodi ndi chiyani?

Palibe mfundo imodzi. Nthawi zambiri, anthu amalowa maubale otseguka chifukwa amaganiza kuti zibweretsa chisangalalo chochulukirapo, chisangalalo, chikondi, kukhutira, zisangalalo, chisangalalo, kapena kuphatikiza kwake.

Zifukwa zomwe mungaganizire zaubwenzi wotseguka:

• Inu ndi mnzanu nonse muli ndi chikondi chochuluka choti mupereke ndipo mukukhulupirira kuti mutha kukonda anthu oposa mmodzi nthawi imodzi.
• Mukufuna kufufuza za kugonana kwanu kapena kugonana kwanu ndi munthu wina wamkazi.
• Inu ndi mnzanu muli ndi vuto losafananitsidwa libidos.
• Mnzake ndi wokonda zogonana ndipo samakonda zogonana, ndipo winayo akufuna azigonana.
• Wokondedwa wina ali ndi kink kapena zongopeka zomwe akufuna kuzifufuza zomwe winayo alibe nazo chidwi.
• Kuwona (kapena kumva za) wokondedwa wanu akugonana ndi munthu wina kukusinthani, kapena mosemphanitsa.

Kodi mungadziwe bwanji ngati zili zoyenera kwa inu?

Tsoka ilo, kudziwa ngati ubale wotseguka uli woyenera kwa inu (kapena woyenera inu ndi mnzanu) sizophweka monga kutenga mafunso pa intaneti ndikutenga mayankho pamtengo.

• Yambani podziwa chifukwa chake mumakwatirana komanso zomwe zikutanthauza kwa inu. Kodi ndi uthenga wanji wokhudzana ndi kukhala ndi mkazi m'modzi womwe mwalandira utakula?
• Lembani ngati mukufuna kudziwa chibwenzi chanu kapena chifukwa chake. Kodi ndichifukwa chakuti mwayamba kukonda winawake ndipo mukufuna kuchitapo kanthu? Kodi ndichifukwa choti inu kapena mnzanu muli ndi zosowa zambiri zomwe zitha kukwaniritsidwa bwino ndi anthu opitilira m'modzi?
• Tsopano lolani kulingalira momwe moyo wanu ungamawonere ngati mukadakhala pachibwenzi chotseguka. Pezani mwatsatanetsatane. Mumakhala kuti? Kodi padzakhala ana? Kodi bwenzi lanu lidzakhalanso ndi abwenzi ena? Ndi mitundu iti yazakugonana yomwe muphunzire? Chikondi chotani? Kodi malingaliro awa amakupangitsani kumva bwanji?
• Chotsatira, phunzirani zambiri zamakhalidwe osaganizira amuna okhaokha. Yambani powerenga za maubale otseguka komanso zolemba zamawu (zambiri pamunsimu), kupita kumagulu a MeetUp ophatikizika, ndikutsatira anthu omwe amatsata nonmonogamy kapena polyamory pa Instagram ndi Twitter.

Kodi pali maubwino amtundu wina uliwonse?

Gahena eya! Pali chifukwa chopitilira gawo limodzi mwa asanu mwa anthu omwe akhala kapena ali m'modzi.

Choyamba, (nthawi zambiri) chimatanthauza kugonana kochulukirapo!

"Ndimakonda kukhala wosagwirizana chifukwa ndine munthu wokonda zachilendo komanso kufufuza," akutero Powell. "Ndimapeza izi mwa kukhala ndi anthu ambiri momwe ndingafunire."

Akuwonjezera kuti: "Ndilinso ndi kuthekera kwakukakamira - chomwe ndichisangalalo cha chisangalalo cha wina - kotero kuwona anzanga akukwaniritsidwa pogonana ndikukhala achimwemwe zimandisangalatsa."

Dana McNeil, MA, LMFT, yemwe ndi wololeza ukwati ndi ovomerezeka, yemwe anayambitsa Relationship Place ku San Diego, California, akuti ngakhale mutamaliza chibwenzi, kuchita zinthu mosagwirizana ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumathandiza anthu kukulitsa maluso awo pothetsera mavuto, kulumikizana , ndikupanga ndikusunga malire.

"Nthawi zonse zimakakamiza anthu kuzindikira zomwe amafuna ndi zosowa zawo," akutero McNeil.

Kodi pali zovuta zina zofunika kuziganizira?

Palibe zovuta zaubwenzi wapoyera, pazokha, zifukwa zolakwika zokha zolowera pachibwenzi.

"Kusagwirizana ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumatha kukulitsa mavuto okhalapo ndi mavuto m'banjamo," akutero a Powell.

Akuwonjezera kuti: "Ngati mumalakwitsa kulumikizana, kuyenera kulumikizana mozama komanso ndi anthu ambiri pamitu yambiri kukupatsani mwayi wambiri wokumana ndi zotsatirapo zake."

Lingaliro lomweli limagwiranso ntchito ngati mumakonda kukhala osawona mtima, opondereza, oduka, kapena odzikonda. M'malo mongokhala ndi munthu m'modzi yekha amene akukumana ndi zotulukapo zamakhalidwewo, angapo amakhudzidwa.

"Nonmonogamy sikuti ikonza ubale ndi maziko osakhazikika," akutero Powell. Ndiye ngati ndichifukwa chake mukutsegulira chibwenzicho, mwina atha kutha.

Kodi mungabweretse bwanji ndi mnzanu wapano?

Simukuyesera "kutsimikizira" mnzanu kuti akhale pachibwenzi chotseguka.

Yambani ndi mawu akuti "Ine" kenako ndikubweretsa funso, mwachitsanzo:

• "Ndakhala ndikuwerenga za maubale otseguka, ndipo ndikuganiza kuti mwina ndichomwe ndikufuna kuyesa. Kodi mungakhale omasuka kuti mukambirane zakukhosi kwathu? ”
• "Ndakhala ndikuganiza zogonana ndi anthu ena, ndipo ndikuganiza kuti ndingafune kuzifufuza. Kodi mungaganizire zogonana momasuka? ”
• “Ndikuganiza kuti zingakhale zotentha kwambiri kuwonera wina ali ndi inu. Kodi mungakonde kuitanira munthu wachitatu kuchipinda? ”
• "Libido yanga yakhala yotsika kwambiri kuyambira pomwe ndidayamba [ikani mankhwala apa], ndipo ndakhala ndikuganiza za zomwe zimatsegula ubale wathu kuti muthe kupeza zosowa zanu zakugonana zomwe mukufuna kwina zingakhale kwa ife. Kodi ukuganiza kuti ndi zomwe tingakambirane? ”

Ngati mukufunitsitsadi kukhala pachibwenzi chotseguka ndipo mnzanuyo atsekereza ganizoli, kungakhale kusagwirizana kosagonjetseka.

"Potsirizira pake, ngati munthu m'modzi yekha yemwe anali pachibwenzi kale akufuna kuti atsegule chibwenzicho, mungafunike kutha," akutero McNeil.

Mumakhazikitsa malamulo otani?

Kunena mosabisa: Ili ndi funso lolakwika.

Kuti mumvetsetse chifukwa chake, muyenera kumvetsetsa kusiyana pakati pa malire, mgwirizano, ndi malamulo.

“Malire ndi anu. Mtima wako, nthawi, malingaliro, thupi, ”akutero Powell.

Chifukwa chake, mutha kukhala ndi malire mozungulira osakondana ndi winawake yemwe amakhala ndi madzi ena.

Simungakhale ndi malire mozungulira yemwe wokondedwa wanu amagonana naye, momwe amagonana, komanso ngati amagwiritsa ntchito zopinga.

"Malire amatipatsa udindo, m'malo mwa mnzanu," akufotokoza Powell. "Ndipatsidwa mphamvu zambiri."

Mgwirizano ungakambiranenso ndi aliyense amene angawathandize.

“Ngati mnzanga tili ndi mgwirizano kuti nthawi zonse timagwiritsa ntchito madamu, makondomu, ndi magolovesi ndi anzathu, koma mnzanga ndi m'modzi mwa omwe akufuna kuti agwirizane akufuna kupita osagwiritsa ntchito zopinga, tonse atatu titha kukhala pansi lembaninso panganolo kuti tonsefe tizikhala omasuka, ”akufotokoza Powell.

Mgwirizano ndi njira yachifundo komanso yofunika kwambiri kwa maanja omwe akufuna kuwonjezera bwenzi lawo lachitatu pakugonana kapena kukondana.

Nthawi zambiri malingaliro achitatu (omwe nthawi zina amatchedwa "unicorn"), zikhumbo, zosowa, ndi zosowa zimawoneka ngati zosafunikira kuposa maanja. Mapangano amawatenga kwambiri monga anthu omwe ali m'malo mongonena, kuwalamulira.

"Malamulo ndichinthu chomwe anthu awiri kapena kupitilirapo amapanga chomwe chimakhudza iwo owazungulira, koma omwe amawazungulira sakulankhula," akufotokoza Powell.

Nthawi zambiri, "malamulo" ndi njira yothetsera machitidwe ndi malingaliro amnzathu.

"Kufunitsitsa kupanga malamulo nthawi zambiri kumachitika chifukwa chokhala ndi mkazi m'modzi yekha chomwe chimatiuza kuti mnzathu sangakonde koposa munthu m'modzi, kapena atisiya ngati atapeza wina 'wabwino,' akutero Powell.

Ngakhale anthu ambiri omwe ali atsopano ku nonmonogamy nthawi zambiri amafuna kuyandikira kuchokera kumalo ophunzirira, amachenjeza motsutsana ndi izi.

Powell anati, "Nthawi zambiri, malamulowo amakhala opanda mphamvu komanso osatsata machitidwe," akuwonjezera kuti amalimbikitsa kuyamba ndi malire.

Ndi malire ati amalingaliro omwe muyenera kuganizira?

Pamene lingaliro la kumverera amabwera, maanja nthawi zambiri amafuna kupanga malamulo osakondana ndi aliyense, atero a Powell.

Mafelemu amalingaliro amenewo amakonda ngati zinthu zochepa ndipo pamapeto pake amakukhazikitsani kulephera.

"Ngakhale utadzidziwa wekha bwanji, sungadziwe yemwe ungagwere," akutero.

Chifukwa chake Powell sanakhazikitse lamulo losavomerezeka, Powell amalimbikitsa kutembenukira mkati ndikudzifunsa nokha:

• Kodi ndingasonyeze bwanji chikondi? Kodi ndimalandila bwanji?
• Kodi ndimafunikira kangati kuti ndione mnzanga kuti amve kukhala wamtengo wapatali? Kodi ndikufuna kugawa nthawi yanga? Kodi ndimafunikira nthawi yochuluka bwanji ndili ndekha?
• Kodi ndikufuna kudziwa chiyani? Kodi ndikufuna kugawana nawo bwanji?
• Kodi ndimagawana ndi ndani komanso mumikhalidwe yotani?
• Ndi mawu ati omasuka kugwiritsa ntchito polemba ubale wanga ndi ena?

Ndi malire ati akuthupi ndi okhudzana ndi kugonana omwe muyenera kuwaganizira?

Malire wamba azakugonana komanso okhudzana ndi chiwerewere amakhala okhudzana ndi kasamalidwe ka chiwerewere, zogonana ndizomwe zili zoletsedwa kapena zoletsedwa, ndipo ngati / liti / momwe mumawonetsera chikondi.

Mwachitsanzo:

• Ndani amandigwira ndipo kuti? Kodi pali mitundu yokhudza kukhudza yomwe sindikufuna kupereka? Bwanji za kulandira?
• Kodi ndiyesedwa kangati, ndiyesedwa mayesero ati? Kodi nditenga PrEp?
• Ndani, liti, ndipo ndi njira ziti zomwe ndigwiritse ntchito njira zolepheretsa?
• Ndilankhula liti ndi anthu za momwe ayesedwera posachedwa, komanso machitidwe awo ogonana otetezeka anali otani kuyambira pamenepo?
• Kodi zoseweretsa zanga zidzagwiritsidwa ntchito bwanji / kugawa / kutsukidwa?
• Kodi ndili omasuka kugonana?
• Kodi PDA imatanthauza chiyani kwa ine? Kodi ndine womasuka kukhala ndi ndani m'malo opezeka anthu ambiri?

Kodi muyenera kuyankhulana kangati ndi mnzanu wapamtima za malire?

Simukufuna kugwera mumsampha wokonza maubwenzi anu kuposa momwe mumakhalira (iwo), koma ndibwino kuti mudzayang'aniridwa pafupipafupi.

Mutha kuyamba ndi nthawi yoyimilira ndikuyipanga kangapo mukamalowa (heh) yazinthu.

Kodi mumabweretsa bwanji ubale wanu kwa yemwe mungakhale naye pachibwenzi chachiwiri?

Nthawi yomweyo.

Powell polyamorous atha kukhala ogwirizana nawo, ndipo kukhala osakwatirana kumatha kukuvutitsani, chifukwa chake muyenera kuwonekera poyera, "akutero a Powell.

Zithunzi zina zobwereka:

• "Tisanakhale ovuta, ndimakonda kunena kuti ndili pachibwenzi chomasuka, zomwe zikutanthauza kuti ngakhale ndimatha kukhala pachibwenzi kunja kwa chibwenzi changa, ndili ndi mnzanga m'modzi."
• “Ndikufuna kukudziwitsani kuti sindimakonda amuna okhaokha ndipo ndimasangalala kucheza ndi anthu angapo nthawi imodzi. Kodi pamapeto pake mukufuna kukhala pachibwenzi chokha? ”
• “Ndikufuna kukudziwitsani kuti ndimakhala pachibwenzi mosakondana ndipo sindikufuna chibwenzi chokha. Kodi mumamva bwanji mukamakhala pachibwenzi ndi anthu angapo nthawi imodzi, kapena kukhala pachibwenzi ndi munthu amene amacheza ndi anthu angapo nthawi imodzi? ”

Ngati muli pa chibwenzi pa intaneti, McNeil amalimbikitsa kuti aziyikapo pomwepo.

Kodi zili ndi vuto ngati mnzanu wachiwiri ali ndi mkazi m'modzi kapena polyamorous?

Pali maulendo angapo amgwirizano wotseguka, womwe umadziwikanso kuti ma mono-poly hybrid maubale.

Mu maubwenzi ena, chifukwa chofuna kugonana, libido, chidwi, ndi zina zotero, banjali livomera kuti atsegule chibwenzicho ndi cholinga choti m'modzi yekha mwa omwe (nthawi zambiri amakhala woyamba) "azichita" mosagwirizana.

Nthawi zina, munthu yemwe amadziwika kuti ndi wokondedwa yekha angasankhe kukhala pachibwenzi ndi munthu amene ali wovuta kwambiri.

Chifukwa chake yankho: "Osati kwenikweni," akutero McNeil. "[Koma] aliyense ayenera kudziwitsidwa kuti munthu ameneyu amakhala akupanga zibwenzi kuyambira pomwe amamenyera."

"Izi zimathandiza kuti mnzakeyo apange chisankho chodziwitsa ngati akufuna kukhala pachibwenzi kapena ayi."

Kodi muyenera kuyitanitsa ndi anzanu achiwiri?

Kutanthauza, kodi muyenera kuwonetsetsa kuti mnzanu wachiwiri akusangalala kucheza nanu? Ndipo kumverera kulemekezedwa ndikusamalidwa? Mwachidziwikire.

Kaya muzikonzekera kulowa mu boma zili ndi inu. Ziribe kanthu momwe ubale wanu uliri, inu mwina akufuna kukhala olimba pomwe maphwando onse amakhala omasuka kufotokoza zosowa zawo komanso zofuna zawo ndikukwaniritsa zosowa zomwe sakufuna.

Kodi mungaphunzire kuti?

Simuyenera kuyembekezera kuti abwenzi anu omwe ali pachibwenzi kuti agwire dzanja lanu panthawi yonse yotsegulira ubale wanu ( * chifuwa * ntchito yaumunthu * chifuwa *).

Ngati muli ndi anzanu omwe akuchita zachinyengo, kucheza nawo za momwe zimawonekera, momwe adakhazikitsira malire awo, ndi momwe amachitira nsanje zingakhale zothandiza.

Mabuku otchuka pa maubale otseguka ndi awa:

• “Kumanga Mabwenzi Ogwirizana”
• “Oposa Awiri”
• “Mnyamata Wamakhalidwe Abwino”
• "Kutsegulira: Upangiri Wopanga ndi Kusunga Ubwenzi Wotseguka"

Muthanso kuwona zothandizira zina (zaulere!) Monga:

• KhalaKaChisE
• Nkhani ya Dean Spade "For Lovers and Fights"
• Zambiri zaife

Zolemba ngati zomwe mukuwerenga (moni!), Bukuli pa polyamory, ndi iyi yokhudzana ndi madzimadzi, ndizothandizanso, nawonso.

A Gabrielle Kassel ndi mlembi wa ku New York okhudzana ndi kugonana komanso thanzi komanso CrossFit Level 1 Trainer. Amakhala munthu wam'mawa, adayesa opitilira 200, ndikudya, kuledzera, ndikupaka makala - zonsezi mdzina la utolankhani. Munthawi yake yaulere, amapezeka kuti amawerenga mabuku azodzilankhulira ndi ma buku achikondi, kukanikiza benchi, kapena kuvina. Mutsatireni pa Instagram.