Mbendera Zofiira Zomwe Zingatheke Mu Ubale Muyenera Kudziwa Zake

Zamkati

• Mabendera Ofiira Omwe Akhoza Kuyanjana
• Akufuna kuti nonse mukhale nanu.
• Sakuwoneka kuti amakumbukira zokumbukira zosangalatsa zaubwenzi wanu mwachikondi.
• Sakudzisamalira okha pamene ali ndi zothandizira.
• Mwasiya kuchita nawo mikangano.
• Iwo sali okonzeka kuyankhulana.
• Mwasiya kugonana - ndipo simukulankhula za izo.
• Amakonda kulankhula za ndalama zochepa - koma ndiowononga ndalama zambiri.
• Zoyenera Kuchita Mukawona Mbendera Yofiira Paubwenzi
• Onaninso za

Kaya muli pachibwenzi kapena mukukhazikika bwino, anzanu omwe ali ndi zolinga zabwino, oteteza komanso abale anu atha kutcha "mbendera zofiira" za boo. M'maso mwawo, kukana kwanu kwatsopano kutsuka mapepala awo kamodzi pamwezi kapena zovuta za mnzanu pantchito zitha kukhala zizindikiritso kuti muyenera kusiya chilichonse ndikuthetsa chibwenzicho.

Koma machitidwe omwe amawoneka ngati mbendera zofiira sayenera kutengedwa ngati zifukwa zopatukirana, atero a Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, katswiri wazamisala, wololeza ukwati komanso wothandizira mabanja, komanso katswiri wazakugonana komanso maubale. "Mbendera yofiira itha kukhala [chisonyezo] ndichinthu chomwe changoyimitsidwa - osati mbendera yofiira yomwe muyenera kuyendanso," akutero. M'malo mwake, mbendera yofiira - ngakhale yomwe imawoneka ngati yovuta pakadali pano - amathanso kukhala mwayi wokula, akuwonjezera a Jess O'Reilly, Ph.D., katswiri wazakugonana waku Toronto komanso wolandila Kugonana ndi Dr. Jess Podcast. "Mutha kuzigwiritsa ntchito kulumikizana, kulumikizana, kapena ubale wonse," akufotokoza. (FTR, machitidwe ozunza anzawo komanso zochitika zina ndizosiyana, atero O'Reilly. Ngati mukukhulupirira kuti muli pachibwenzi kapena mumazindikira zisonyezo zofananira - monga mnzanu akukulepheretsani kupanga zisankho zanu, kuwongolera ndalama zonse popanda kukambirana, kukuwopsezani, kapena kukukakamizani kuti mugonane, kugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo, kapena kumwa mowa - funsani ku Nambala Yanyumba Yanyumba Yonse kuti ikuthandizeni.)

Kuphatikiza apo, lingaliro la aliyense la zomwe zimayenera kukhala mbendera yofiira muubwenzi ndizosiyana, akutero Wright. Mwachitsanzo, lingaliro la munthu wokhala ndi mkazi mmodzi la mbendera yofiira lingakhale losiyana ndi munthu yemwe ali ndi polyamorous, akufotokoza. "Sali konsekonse, ndipo zilibe kanthu ngati wina akuganiza kuti ndi mbendera yofiira ngati zili bwino ndi inu."

Komabe, pali mbendera zofiira zomwe zitha kukhala chifukwa chodetsa nkhawa kapena chifukwa chowunikiranso ubale wanu - osati za anthu apamtima, ngati nthano zomwe Taylor Swift amayimba. Onse a Wright ndi O'Reilly adziwa kuti mutha kuwona mbendera zofiira mumtundu uliwonse waubwenzi, kuphatikiza ndi abwenzi, abale, ogwira nawo ntchito, ndi ena ambiri. Apa, Wright ndi O'Reilly akugawana mbendera zofiira muubwenzi (makamaka wachikondi) womwe ungakhale woyenera kuyang'ana, ndipo chofunika kwambiri, choti muchite ngati muwona chimodzi mwa izo. Wowononga: Osangoponya thaulo nthawi yomweyo. (Zogwirizana: Momwe Mungachitire ndi Ubwenzi Womodzi)

Mabendera Ofiira Omwe Akhoza Kuyanjana

Akufuna kuti nonse mukhale nanu.

Ngati mnzanu amatsutsa kwambiri anzanu ndi abale anu, akuyesa kuyendetsa pakati panu ndi anzanu apamtima, kapena kuyesa kukuchotsani pagulu lanu, machitidwe awo atha kukhala nkhawa, atero O'Reilly. "Mwina akunena kuti amakukondani kwambiri ndipo akuyesera kukutetezani, [kapena] mwina akuti ndinu abwino kwambiri kuposa wina aliyense," akuwonjezera. "Muzikumbukira mnzanu amene angakulamulireni koma amaona kuti akuyesetsa kuti akhale nanu ngati achikondi." Zodzipatula izi zitha kukhala mbendera yofiira kwambiri muubwenzi, chifukwa zitha kuyambitsa machitidwe ozunza, monga kuwongolera zomwe mnzako amachita, yemwe amamuwona ndikulankhula naye, komwe amapita - ndikugwiritsa ntchito nsanje kulungamitsa zonse. . Izi ndi njira zomwe mnzake wozunza angagwiritse ntchito kuti azichititsa chibwenzi chawo, malinga ndi National Domestic Violence Hotline. (BTW, ichi ndi chizindikiro chimodzi chokha chomwe mungakhale paubwenzi woyipa.)

Sakuwoneka kuti amakumbukira zokumbukira zosangalatsa zaubwenzi wanu mwachikondi.

Wokondedwa wanu akaganiza za nthawi yosangalala yomwe ingachokere kunja kwa chibwenzi kapena tsiku losangalala monga ukwati wanu, kodi amakumbukira mwachikondi kapena ndi kuwawa kapena chisoni? Ngati zikumbukiro zomwe zakhala zikusangalatsidwa kale zadetsedwa kwa iwo, zitha kukhala mbendera yofiira kuti china chake sichili bwino muubwenzi. Mwinanso mungakhale kuti mumangonena kuti zatha, makamaka ngati mtima wanu wa SO sukuwonekeranso, koma choyamba, "mungafune kuyankhula za momwe mukumvera pachibwenzi," akutero O ' Chidziwitso. "Sizitanthauza kuti ubalewo watha, koma zingafune njira zina zatsopano [mwachitsanzo, mankhwala a mabanja]."

Sakudzisamalira okha pamene ali ndi zothandizira.

Mbendera yofiyira iyi muubwenzi ikhoza kukhala chizindikiro cha S.O yanu. samadziona ngati ofunika, akutero Wright. "Ndipo ndichinthu chomwe chitha kubwera pambuyo pake ngati chinthu chongoyerekeza komanso vuto laubwenzi." Lingaliro lanu la boo kuti musadumphe nthawi yoonana ndi dokotala kapena kusatsuka mano usiku uliwonse zitha kuwonetsa kuti samalemekeza thanzi lawo monga inu - ndipo ngati sichinthu chomwe mukufuna kuti mukambirane ndi kuvomereza poyera (kapena kunyengerera), zitha kupangitsa kuti musunge chakukhosi mnzanuyo pamzere. nkhani zaumoyo, monga kuvutika maganizo, malinga ndi National Alliance on Mental Illness of Kenosha County. Kutanthauzira: Zomwe zimatchedwa mbendera yofiira sizingatanthauze kuti muyenera kutha, koma m'malo mwake yambani kukambirana nawo moona mtima za zovuta zilizonse zomwe angakhale nazo. (Zogwirizana: Dikirani, Kodi Matenda a Mitsinje ndi Matendawa Amafalikira Kupyopsyona?!)

Mwasiya kuchita nawo mikangano.

Zitha kuwoneka ngati kusakangana konse ndi a zabwino chinthu (ndipo, nthawi zina, zitha kukhala), koma kupewa mikangano chifukwa mwataya mtima kuyankhula pazinthu zofunikira kungakhale mbendera yofiira pachibwenzi, atero O'Reilly. Kuti muwone ngati kusamvana kwanu kungakhale gawo la vuto lalikulu, O'Reilly akuwonetsa kuti mudzifunse mafunso awa:

• Kodi mukupewa kuyankhula pazinthu zofunika ndikuzilola kukula, kapena mukungotenga zina mwanu ndikulola zazing'ono ziwonongeke?
• Kodi mwasiya kuchita zibwenzi chifukwa chakuti simukusamalanso, kapena mwangovomereza kuti simungathe kuthetsa vuto lililonse?
• Kodi mwasiya kukamba nkhani zokwiyitsa chifukwa mukuona kuti wokondedwa wanu samakumverani kapena kuyamikira zomwe mumaonera?

Ingokumbukirani, "zochitika ndizofunikira kwambiri, ndichifukwa chake mbendera zofiira sizipezeka konsekonse," akuwonjezera. Mwachitsanzo, ngati inu ndi mnzanu mudakangana kwa sabata limodzi za njira "yabwino" yonyamula zotsukira koma simunathe kuthetsa vutolo, kusiya kusamvana, kuwalola kukonza mbale zonyansazo momwe angafunire, m'malo moyang'ana pazinthu zofunika kwambiri (mwachitsanzo, ndalama zanu, maphunziro anu, ndi zina zambiri) zitha kukhala chinthu chabwino.

Iwo sali okonzeka kuyankhulana.

Ngati simungalole kuti igwere pamene BFF yanu ikukuchotsani ndikunyalanyaza zolemba zanu masiku angapo, bwanji mungalolere izi mukamakondana? "Ngati ndikofunikira kuti mukhale ndi chibwenzi ndi munthu yemwe angakulankhuleni, koma akutseka ndipo osalankhulana, ndiye kuti ikadakhala mbendera yofiira," akutero Wright.

Chikumbutso: Ngakhale umudziwe bwino bwanji mnzako, sungathe kudziwa zomwe akuganiza, ndipo popanda kuyankhulana momasuka ndi moona mtima za zosowa, zosowa, ndi zoyembekeza, kusamvana kovulaza ndi mikangano ndizotheka. Kuphatikiza apo, kulumikizana molakwika ndi chifukwa chofala kwambiri chomwe maanja amafunira chithandizo ndipo akuti chimawononga kwambiri chibwenzi, malinga ndi kafukufuku wofalitsidwa mu Journal ya Ukwati ndi Banja.

Mwasiya kugonana - ndipo simukulankhula za izo.

Zinthu zoyamba, ndikwabwino kuyimitsa kaye zochita zanu zapakati pamasamba, akutero O'Reilly. "Anthu ena amasangalala kupuma, koma kwa ena, kumabweretsa mavuto ndi mikangano," akufotokoza. Ngati inu ndi mnzanuyo mutagwera m'gulu lomaliza ndipo nonse mukunamizira kuti ndi NBD, zikhoza kuyambitsa mkwiyo panthawiyi ndi zovuta, monga kulephera kukhala ndi mikangano yabwino. (Gwiritsani ntchito malangizowa kuti mukambirane ndi wokondedwa wanu za kufuna kugonana.)

Amakonda kulankhula za ndalama zochepa - koma ndiowononga ndalama zambiri.

Mbendera yofiyirayi muubwenzi zonse zimatsikira ku kusagwirizana pakati pa zomwe wokondedwa wanu akunena ndi momwe akuchitira. Koma mukazindikira koyamba, ndikofunikira kuwona zochita zawo mwachifundo, akutero Wright. Iye anati: “Zingakhale kuti munthuyo akuchita manyazi. "Mwinamwake adangolipira ndalama zambiri zamankhwala ndipo akumva kukhala osatetezeka pakadali pano. Sitikudziwa zomwe zikuchitika, ndiye chifukwa chake mbendera yofiira kwa ine ndiyitanidwe yokambirana, osati chifukwa choti tithawe. " Ngati muli ndi convo ndikupeza kuti mnzanuyo alibe lingaliro la kasamalidwe ka ndalama ndipo sakukonzekera kuchitapo kanthu kuti apititse patsogolo kagwiritsidwe ntchito ka ndalama, ndiye kuti mungadziwe kuti ubalewu si wanu, akuwonjezera.

Zoyenera Kuchita Mukawona Mbendera Yofiira Paubwenzi

Ngati simunazilembe limodzi, simuyenera kutuluka pakhomo lachiwiri mukawona chizindikiro chofiira pachibwenzi chanu. Choyamba, dzifunseni momwe mukumvera ndikulingalira za izi: "Mukumva bwanji ndi machitidwe awo? Mukufuna chiyani? Kodi nkhaniyi ikukhudzani? Chifukwa chiyani ili yofunika?" akuti O'Reilly.

Ndiye, ngati mukumva kuti ndinu otetezeka komanso omasuka kutero, muuzeni modekha mnzanuyo mwachikondi, mokoma mtima, komanso mwachidwi - osati mwamakani, akutero Wright. Mwachitsanzo, m'malo mongonena mwamphamvu kuti, "Simukutsuka mano usiku ndipo izi zimandidetsa nkhawa," a Wright akuwonetsa kuti, "Ndimamva mantha kuti simusambitsa mano usiku, chifukwa tanthauzo lake kwa ine ndikuti simusamala za inu nokha, ndipo ndikufuna kuti ndikambirane za izi. Kodi mungakhale omvera ku izi? '"

"Khalani owona mtima pamalingaliro anu osatetezeka - mwachitsanzo mantha, kusadzidalira, chisoni," akuwonjezera O'Reilly. "Ubale ukhoza kukonzedwa nthawi zambiri, koma ngati mubisa malingaliro anu enieni (mwachitsanzo, kusiya kuti musamve zovuta), mumatha kukulitsa vutoli." Ganizirani izi motere: Ngati simumulola mnzanu kudziwa momwe kulankhulirana kwawo kumanenera, komanso chifukwa chake zili choncho, mwina simungakhale patsamba lomwelo za kukula kwa nkhaniyi - motero (onaninso: Momwe Mungapangire Ubwenzi Wapamtima ndi Mnzanu)

Kuchokera pamenepo, nonse mutha kusankha ngati mbendera yofiira ndi chinthu chomwe mungathetsere kapena kuyang'anira limodzi kapena ngati ndi chisonyezo choti muyenera kuwunikiranso zaubwenzi wanu. Ndipo ngati simunatsimikizebe, lingalirani zowonana ndi mlangizi kapena wothandizila yemwe angakuthandizeni kuthana ndi vutoli, akutero O'Reilly. Mosasamala kanthu za vuto, dziwani kuti zokambirana izi sizikhala zophweka - koma sizabwino. "Zitha kukhala zosasangalatsa, komanso zosasangalatsa sizitanthauza zoyipa," akutero Wright. "Umo ndi momwe timakulira. Timangokula pamene sitikumasuka. Ndizosowa kwambiri kuti timakula kuchokera ku chikhalidwe."

Onaninso za