Momwe Mungakhalire ndi Ubale Wathanzi wa Polyamorous

Zamkati

• Si "Njira Imodzi Kapena Msewu Waukulu".
• Sizokhudza Kugonana Kokha
• Koma Kugonana Kumayamba
• Koma Chenjezo ...
• Mungafune Kudzimasula Nokha
• Njira Zina Zabwino Kwambiri
• Onaninso za

Ngakhale ndizovuta kunena ndendende ndi anthu angati omwe amatenga nawo mbali muubwenzi wapamtima (ndiye kuti, womwe umafuna kukhala ndi zibwenzi zingapo), zikuwoneka kuti zikukwera-kapena, kupeza nthawi yake powonekera. Malinga ndi kafukufuku wapadziko lonse wa Avvo.com kuyambira Juni 2015, pafupifupi 4% ya anthu aku US amavomereza kuti ali pachibwenzi, chomwe chimafanana ndi anthu pafupifupi 12.8 miliyoni. Yep, miliyoni. Chifukwa chake ngati mukuwona kuti mukufuna kudziwa zambiri za polyamory, komanso momwe mungakhalire ndi ubale wathanzi wa polyamorous, dziwani kuti simuli nokha-ndipo werengani kuti mupeze malangizo ofunikira omwe akatswiri amati aliyense ayenera kudziwa. (Zokhudzana: 8 Zinthu Amuna Amalakalaka Akazi Amadziwa Zokhudza Kugonana)

Si "Njira Imodzi Kapena Msewu Waukulu".

Choyambirira, pali mitundu ingapo yamaubwenzi apamanja, chifukwa chake ndikofunikira kudziwa kuti ndi chiyani. "Polyamory ndi mtima wofunitsitsa kukhala ndi chidwi chokhala ndi maubale angapo munthawi yomweyo," akutero Anya Trahan, wothandizira maubwenzi komanso wolemba Kutsegula Chikondi: Ubale Wodzipereka & Kusintha kwa Chidziwitso. "Kukondana kumatha kutanthauza kugonana komanso kulumikizana, kapena kumatha kutanthauza kulumikizana kwakukulu kapena kulumikizana mwauzimu."

Kukhala ndi malingaliro otseguka ndichinsinsi cha kukhala ndiubwenzi wophatikizika-ndipo mwina ndichifukwa chake anthu ambiri akuvomereza kuti ayesere nawo. Trahan anati: "Anthu ambiri padziko lonse lapansi akhala anzeru pamalingaliro [akuti] chikondi sichikhala chogonana." Izi zikachitika, "timayamba kukayikira zinthu zina zomwe zimawoneka ngati 'zabwinobwino,' monga lingaliro loti njira yokhayo yokhala ndiubwenzi wathanzi ndi pakati pa anthu awiri okha."

Zomwe, ngati muyima kuti muganizire, zingakhale zomveka kwa wina. Pafupifupi 38 peresenti ya maukwati omwe amatha kusudzulana kuyambira 2000 mpaka 2014, malinga ndi CDC, Trahan akuti anthu ambiri akukulitsa malingaliro awo, titero kunena kwake. Ndipo Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., mlangizi wa ubale komanso wolemba The Polyamorists Next Door: Mkati mwa Ubale Wamabwenzi Angapo ndi Mabanja, akuti ndi njira yoti anthu azikhala ndi zosowa zawo zambiri zamaganizidwe ndi zakuthupi. "Mukupeza zosowa zambiri, ndipo zosowa zosiyanasiyana zakwaniritsidwa ndi anzawo osiyanasiyana," akutero.

Sizokhudza Kugonana Kokha

Ngakhale ndizosavuta kunena kuti anthu omwe ali pamaubwenzi apamtima amakonda kukhala ndi zochitika zambiri zogonana momwe angathere, Sheff ndi Trahan akuti nthawi zambiri sizikhala choncho. Trahan anati: "Koma anthu ambiri omwe ndimadziwa ndi anthu auzimu kwambiri, anthu achifundo, otsogolera mosamala mdera lawo." Sheff akuvomereza, powona kuti omwe akuchita polyamory amakonda kulakalaka kuposa kugonana pachibwenzi. Ngakhale kuti anthu omwe amakonda kukhala m'gulu la anthu osambira, mwachitsanzo, amangokhalira kukhutitsidwa ndi thupi, akutero. (Kodi Mukudziwa Akazi Amatha Kupezanso Mipira Yabuluu?)

Ndipo nthawi zina kugonana sikupezeka konse, atero Trahan. "Ambiri ali ndimaganizo kapena amzimu ambiri, kutanthauza kuti akuchita zibwenzi zakuya popanda kugonana," akufotokoza. Ndikungolumikizana ndi munthu wina yemwe mungadalire, ndikuyika patsogolo ubale wanu, osadandaula ngati mukukhala nawo kapena mukuwapatsa, akutero Sheff.

Koma Kugonana Kumayamba

Zachidziwikire, iwo omwe amadziwika kuti ndi a polyamorous nthawi zina amakhala ndi maubwenzi ogonana ndi munthu wina yemwe si bwenzi lawo loyamba, akutero Sheff. Ngakhale siziwerengedwa kuti ndi kubera, sizitanthauza kuti palibe malamulo. Trahan akuti: "Kulankhulana moona mtima komanso moona mtima kumafunika nthawi zonse." Ndipo Tara Fields, Ph.D., waukwati komanso wolemba wa Kukonzekera Kwa Chikondi: Konzani ndi Kubwezeretsanso Ubale Wanu Pakadali pano, akuti ndikofunikira kukhazikitsa malire ndi mnzanu wapano musanayang'ane, popeza nonse mwina simungakhale pa tsamba limodzi lokhudza zomwe zili bwino ndi zomwe sizili bwino, ndipo izi zitha kupangitsa kuti ubalewo ukhale wovuta kudya. "Zonse zimangodalira kukhulupirirana, ndipo nonse muyenera kukhala ndi chidwi chofanana, chidwi, komanso kufunitsitsa kuyesa," akutero. Chifukwa chake kuyankha mafunso ofunikira monga, "Chimachitika ndi chiyani mukayamba kukondana ndi wina?" kapena "Kodi owonjezera ayenera kutenga nawo mbali ndi ana athu (ngati muli nawo)?" ziyenera kukambirana ndi kuvomerezana aliyense asanapite patsogolo, akutero.

Chitetezo ndichofunikanso kwambiri kwa polyamorous, akutero Sheff. "Amasamala kwambiri poyesa komanso kudziwa momwe alili, kukhala pamwamba pa kugwiritsa ntchito zotchinga [zoletsa kubereka], ndikubwera ndi njira zosangalatsa komanso zopanga zopangitsa kuti zopingazo zikhale zachigololo komanso zosangalatsa," akutero. Choncho tetezani thanzi lanu pakugonana pokayezetsa ndi kufunsa okondedwa anu kuti achite zomwezo, kenako sonyezana zotsatira zanu. (Nachi Mmene Mungafunse Wokondedwa Wanu Ngati Anayezetsa STD.) Izi ziyenera kuchitika pamene bwenzi latsopano likuyambika kwa munthu aliyense, akutero Sheff, popeza zizindikiro zimatha kusintha popanda anthu kudziwa.

Koma Chenjezo ...

Kulakwitsa kofala komwe anthu amapanga akamatsegula ubale wawo ndi polyamory ndikuganiza kuti zithetsa mavuto omwe muli nawo ndi okondedwa wanu. "Ngati ubale watha, kuwonjezera anthu ambiri sikungathandize," akutero Sheff. "Ngati mulibe chimwemwe chenicheni, ndiye njira yodzetsa tsoka ndipo ndibwino kuti mutuluke muubwenzi ndikusunthira kuzinthu zatsopano kuposa kugwira wopulumutsa moyo." Chifukwa chiyani? Sheff akunena kuti chifukwa maubwenzi a polyamorous amafuna kukhulupirika ndi kulankhulana kosalekeza-zinthu ziwiri zomwe nthawi zambiri zimatseka pamene ubale ukuvuta-zimafuna kuti muyang'ane ndi nkhani zanu. Ndipo ngati simumasuka kuchita izi ndi mnzanu m'modzi, ndiye kuti sizabwino kubweretsa munthu wina mu kusakaniza.

"Ndikofunikira kudziwa kusiyana pakati pa 'pano pali mwayi wokulirapo ndipo titha kutuluka mwamphamvu komanso mosangalala mbali inayo' komanso 'ubwenzi uwu wangokhala f-cked ndipo sungakhale bwino,' akutero. "Ndizovuta, koma ndi chinthu chomwe chiyenera kuchitidwa chifukwa polyamory imapukuta nkhope yanu m'nkhani zanu."

Chifukwa china ayi kulumphira mu polyamory mpaka pano: Simukutsimikiza ngati ndizomwe mukufunadi. "Muyenera kudziwa malire anu kapena anthu angakulankhulireni zinthu zomwe simukufuna kuchita," akutero Sheff. Ngati mnzanuyo akufuna kukhala wamtundu wambiri, ndipo simukufuna, ndi nthawi yoti muunikenso ubalewo. Osakakamizidwa ngati simuli mu izo.

Asanalowe mkati, Sheff akuganiza kuti mumadzifunse mafunso awa: "Kodi mumamva bwanji kudziwa kuti mnzanga akukopana ndi munthu wina?" "Kodi ndine womasuka kugona ndi munthu wina ndikumvetsetsa kuti siabodza-komanso zomwezi kwa mnzanga?" ndi "Kodi izi zimatsutsana ndi zikhulupiriro zanga zilizonse kapena malingaliro anga auzimu?"

Mungafune Kudzimasula Nokha

Chifukwa polyamory nthawi zambiri imakhala yosungira ndalama, Sheff akuti kungakhale kwanzeru kudzitanthauzira kuti uli ndi mkazi m'modzi mukangoyamba kumene. "Polyamory imauza anthu ena kuti mukuyang'ana kukondana ndi anthu ena, koma mukangoyamba kuwunika mutha kungofunika kudziwa ngati osakwatirana amakugwirirani ntchito," akutero. "Kutulutsa kotere, kukhala ndi mkazi m'modzi, kumalola anthu kudziwa, 'Hei, ndikungofufuza izi ndipo sindikudziwa zomwe ndikuchita,' kuti asayike ndalama nthawi yomweyo, mwina . "

Kenako, lankhulani za izi ndi mnzanu wapano kuti muwone ngati ali otseguka pamaganizidwe musanachite chilichonse, atero a Fields. Apo ayi, ziribe kanthu zomwe munganene, zidzawoneka ngati zachinyengo. Ndipo ngati iwo sali ozizira ndi izo, ndiye muyenera mwina kuchoka pa lingaliro kapena kuchoka kwa mnzanuyo, iye anati. Trahan akuwonjezera kuti, panthawiyi, mwina kungakhale kwabwino kuti mupitilize kukhala poly ngati osakwatira.

Pofuna kuyambitsa mutuwo, Sheff akuti ndikofunikira kuyamba ndikulimbikitsa. Kunena ngati, "Babe, ndikufuna kuti udziwe kuti ndimakukonda, ndimakuona kuti ndiwe wofunika ndipo ndimakopeka nawe, ndipo ndikusangalala ndi ubale wathu," amamuuza kale kuti sikukhala wosasangalala ndi zomwe. muli ndi-ndipo ngati mungakhale achindunji, ndi bwino. Kenako onetsani kuti mukufuna kulankhula za izi, kuti simunachite chilichonse, ndipo akhoza kukukhulupiriranibe.

Njira Zina Zabwino Kwambiri

Dziwani mtundu wanji waubwenzi wapamanja womwe mukufuna. Kutanthauzira kumodzi kuchokera kwa banja limodzi kumatha kukhala kosiyana kotheratu ndi kwa ena, atero a Trahan Polyfidelity, kutanthauza kuti mamembala onse amawerengedwa kuti ndi anzawo ofanana omwe amakhalabe okhulupirika kwa wina ndi mnzake. Ena amakonda kukhala ndi "maukonde apamtima," pomwe okonda "amalembedwa" ngati pulayimale, yachiwiri kapena yapamwamba, kutengera kuchuluka kwa kudzipereka komwe kumakhudzidwa. Ndiyeno pali chisokonezo cha ubale, mukakhala ndi maubwenzi angapo otseguka, koma osalemba kapena kuwayika pachiwopsezo.

Phunzirani. "Pali mabuku ambiri abwino kunja kwa polyamory, monga Wide Open ndipo Kusintha kwa Masewera,” akutero Sheff. “Palinso mabuku amomwe mungawonere komanso magulu othandizira pa intaneti omwe angakuthandizeni kuyankha mafunso aliwonse omwe muli nawo. Sheff, m'modzi mwa alangiziwa, akuti mutha kupeza mndandanda wa akatswiri pa National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

Khazikitsani malire anu. Ndikofunikira kudziwa momwe nonse mumamvera pazinthu zina, atero a Trahan, potchula mitu monga kuchuluka kwa zomwe mnzanu amapeza-komanso akazipeza (kodi akufuna kukupatsani chilolezo musanadziwe, zitachitika, kapena simukufuna kudziwa konse bola ngati simuli pachiwopsezo?) ndiye chinsinsi chakuchita bwino. Mitu ina: Ngati kuli bwino kuti wina osati inu mugone pabedi panu; ngati ma tulo ali bwino; amene mungathe kuwona ndi omwe simungathe kuwawona (ali kutali ndi malire?); ndipo ngati muli ndi maakaunti osiyana kubanki omwe mumagwiritsa ntchito ndalama zomwe mumakhudzidwa ndi anthu ena (kupita masiku, tchuthi, ndi zina).

Ziwerengedwe nthawizonsey kukambirananso. Ubwenzi wophatikizika womwe umakugwirirani ntchito sikumangokhala zomwe mumalota kapena kuziganizira, akutero Sheff, chifukwa chake khalani ndi malingaliro otseguka. Ndipo ngati mukuchita izi ndi mnzanu woyamba, Fields akuti pitilizani kuyang'anana wina ndi mnzake mukamatengera njira zatsopano. "Kungoti muli otseguka kuti mufufuze sizitanthauza kuti mudzakhala omasuka ndi chilichonse chomwe mnzanu ali, kapena kuti muyenera kutsatira," akutero. "Chitani zomwe zimakupangitsani kukhala omasuka, fufuzani, ndi kukambirana zomwe zikubwera. Ngati mmodzi wa inu ayamba kuda nkhawa, ndiye kuti mumakambirana zomwe zili zabwino kwa nonse awiri."

Khalani owona mtima. Kaya ndiko kuvomereza nsanje, kuti mumakondana ndi wina yemwe simukudziwa kuti mnzanuyo ali bwino, kapena sikuti kukugwirirani ntchito - zivute zitani, akatswiri onse amavomereza kuti kulumikizana mosadukizadukiza ndikofunikira kuti mukhale ndi ubale wabwino kwambiri. "Ndizovuta m'maganizo, ndipo zimakupangitsani kuthana ndi mavuto anu," akutero Sheff. Kaya mumamatira ku polyamory kapena ayi, kupanga chizolowezichi kumatanthauza kuti pali kuthekera kwakukula ndikukhala ndi ubale wabwino kwambiri, wapamtima kuposa kale.

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