PTSD Yobereka Pambuyo Pobereka Ndizoona. Ndiyenera Kudziwa - Ndakhala

Zamkati

• Sizinali choncho kale kuti ndinabereka tsiku lomwe lingakhale loopsa kwambiri, komanso nthawi yovuta kwambiri pamoyo wanga.
• Tsiku lomwelo la Novembala, studio yophunzitsira yoga yomwe idasandulika kuchipatala komwe ndidakhala maola 24 oyamba amoyo wa mwana wanga wamkazi, manja atatambasulidwa ndikuletsa.
• Mwana wanga wamkazi amayenera kuperekedwa mwakachetechete m'mawa a Julayi.
• M'chipinda chopangira opareshoni, ndimapumira pang'ono pang'ono. Ndinadziwa kuti njirayi ithetsa mantha.
• Mwana wanga adatuluka ndikulira pamene ndimatsika. Pamene matupi athu adang'ambika, malingaliro athu adasinthidwa.
• Ndinadzikweza kumtunda, ndikulemba pa bolodi lowerengera, "Mwana wanga ???" Ndinang'ung'udza mozungulira chubu chotsamwa, ndikutulutsa pepala ndikudutsa.
• Choyipa chachikulu chinali kusadziwa konse kuti izi zitha kupitilira liti. Palibe amene angaganize - {textend} masiku awiri kapena miyezi iwiri?
• Patadutsa miyezi ingapo, dokotala wanga adandiyamika momwe ndimasamalira kukhala ndi mwana wa NICU. Ndinali nditakhazikitsa mantha opocalyptic bwino kwambiri kotero kuti ngakhale katswiri wamaganizowa samandiona.
• Ndinkalakalaka maseŵera a yoga - {textend} maola angapo sabata iliyonse pamene sindinatengeke ndiudindo woyendera amayi, kudziimba mlandu kwa makolo, komanso kuwopa kuti mwana wanga sanali bwino.
• Pamapeto pa kalasi, tonse tinatsalira ndikudzikonzekeretsa mozungulira chipinda. Mwambo wapadera udakonzedwa, wodziwitsa kutha ndi kuyamba kwa nyengo.

China chake chosavuta ngati yoga chinali chokwanira kunditumizira ku flashback.

“Tsekani maso anu. Pumulani zala zanu, miyendo, msana, mimba. Pumulani mapewa anu, mikono yanu, manja anu, zala zanu. Tengani mpweya wambiri, ikani kumwetulira pamilomo yanu. Iyi ndi Savasana yanu. ”

Ndili kumbuyo kwanga, miyendo yotseguka, mawondo atapinda, mikono yanga pambali panga, zikhatho mmwamba. Fungo lokometsera, lafumbi limachoka ku aromatherapy diffuser. Kununkhira uku kumafanana ndi masamba achinyezi ndi ma acorn olumikizira msewu wopitilira chitseko cha studio.

Koma zoyambitsa zochepa ndizokwanira kundibera nthawiyo: "Ndikumva ngati ndikubereka," anatero wophunzira wina.

Sizinali choncho kale kuti ndinabereka tsiku lomwe lingakhale loopsa kwambiri, komanso nthawi yovuta kwambiri pamoyo wanga.

Ndidabwerera ku yoga ngati imodzi mwanjira zambiri zanjira yakubwezeretsa thupi ndi malingaliro chaka chotsatira. Koma mawu oti "kubala," komanso malo anga ovuta pa yoga mat omwe agwa masana, adakonza chiwembu chofuna kuyambitsa ziwopsezo zamphamvu komanso mantha.

Mwadzidzidzi, sindinakhale pa bedi la buluu pa yoga pansi pa nsungwi mu studio ya yoga yomwe inali ndi mithunzi yamadzulo. Ndinali patebulo la opareshoni ya chipatala, womangidwa ndi theka wopuwala, ndikumvetsera kulira kwa mwana wanga wamkazi wakhanda ndisanamalize kuda.

Zinkawoneka kuti ndangotsala ndi mphindi zochepa kuti ndifunse, "Ali bwino?" koma ndimaopa kumva yankho.

Pakati pa nthawi yayitali yakuda, ndimasunthira kumtunda kwakumbukiro kwakanthawi, ndikunyamuka mokwanira kuti ndione kuwala. Maso anga amatseguka, makutu anga amakhoza kumva mawu ochepa, koma sindinadzuke.

Sindingathe kudzuka kwa miyezi ingapo, ndikuyenda modutsa nkhungu, nkhawa, mausiku a NICU, komanso misala yomwe yangobadwa kumene.

Tsiku lomwelo la Novembala, studio yophunzitsira yoga yomwe idasandulika kuchipatala komwe ndidakhala maola 24 oyamba amoyo wa mwana wanga wamkazi, manja atatambasulidwa ndikuletsa.

"Wamuyaya Om" amasewera mu studio ya yoga, ndipo kubuwula kulikonse kumapangitsa nsagwada kuti zilimbane. Pakamwa panga panamenyedwa ndikamenyedwa ndikulira.

Gulu laling'ono la ophunzira a yoga adapuma ku Savasana, koma ndidagona mndende yankhondo yankhondo. Khosi langa lidatsamwa, kukumbukira chubu chopumira komanso momwe ndidapempherera thupi langa lonse kuti lindilole kuyankhula, koma kuti ndikapapidwe ndikuletsa.

Manja ndi zibakera zanga zamangirizidwa kulumikizana ndi phantom. Ndinatuluka thukuta ndikumenyera kuti ndipumirebe mpaka "namaste" womaliza andimasule, ndipo ndimatha kutuluka mu studio.

Usiku womwewo, mkamwa mwanga munkangokhala ngati ndagundagunda komanso ndikuthina. Ndinayang'ana pagalasi lapa bafa.

"Oo Mulungu wanga, ndathyoka dzino."

Ndinadzipatula kwambiri kuchokera pano, sindinazindikire mpaka patadutsa maola angapo: Momwe ndimagona ku Savasana masana amenewo, ndinakukuta mano anga mwamphamvu kuti ndiphwanyaphwanya chinthu.

Mwana wanga wamkazi amayenera kuperekedwa mwakachetechete m'mawa a Julayi.

Ndinkatumizirana mameseji ndi anzanga, ndinkajambula zithunzi ndi amuna anga, ndipo ndinkakambirana ndi dokotala wodziletsa.

Momwe timasanthula mafomu ovomerezeka, ndinayang'ana maso anga kuti mwina nkhani yobadwa iyi siyingayende. Kodi ndingafune kuti ndidziwitsidwe bwanji ndikudwala anesthesia?

Ayi, ine ndi mwamuna wanga tikadakhala limodzi mchipinda chochitira operekera ozizira, malingaliro athu pamavuto osokonekera ataphimbidwa ndi mapepala abuluu owolowa manja. Pambuyo pochita mantha, ndikukoka pamimba pamimba panga, khanda lobadwa kumene limayikidwa pafupi ndi nkhope yanga kupsompsona koyamba.

Izi ndi zomwe ndidakonza. Koma o, zidapita chambali.

M'chipinda chopangira opareshoni, ndimapumira pang'ono pang'ono. Ndinadziwa kuti njirayi ithetsa mantha.

Woberekayo adadula koyamba pamimba mwanga, kenako adasiya. Anaphwanya khoma lamapepala abuluu kuti alankhule ndi ine ndi amuna anga. Adalankhula modekha komanso modekha, ndipo ulemu wonse udachotsa chipindacho.

“Ndikutha kuwona kuti nsengwa yakula kudzera muchiberekero chanu. Tikadula kuti titulutse mwanayo, ndimayembekezera kuti padzakhala magazi ambiri. Nthawi zina timayenera kuchita maliseche. Ichi ndichifukwa chake ndikufuna kuyembekezera kwa mphindi zochepa kuti magazi abwere ku OR. ”

“Ndikupempha mwamuna wako kuti achoke pamene ife tikukuyikani pansi ndi kumaliza opaleshoniyo,” iye analangiza motero. “Pali mafunso?”

Mafunso ambiri.

“Ayi? CHABWINO."

Ndinasiya kupuma pang'onopang'ono. Ndinachita mantha kwambiri m'maso mwanga mutangoyenda kuchokera padenga lina kupita lina, osatha kuwona mopitilira mantha omwe ndinali nawo. Yekha. Kutanganidwa. Kugwidwa.

Mwana wanga adatuluka ndikulira pamene ndimatsika. Pamene matupi athu adang'ambika, malingaliro athu adasinthidwa.

Adandilowetsa m'malo opumira pomwe ndimamira m'mimba yakuda. Palibe amene adandiuza ngati ali bwino.

Ndinadzuka maola angapo pambuyo pake kumalo omwe kumamveka ngati malo ankhondo, malo osamalira ochititsa dzanzi pambuyo pake. Ingoganizirani za nkhani za 1983 za Beirut - {textend} kuphana, kukuwa, kulira. Nditadzuka nditachitidwa opareshoni, ndikulumbira ndimaganiza kuti ndili mgundumayo ndekha.

Dzuwa lamadzulo kudzera m'mawindo apamwamba limapangitsa chilichonse kuzungulira ine mozungulira. Manja anga anali atamangidwa pabedi, ndinali wolimba, ndipo maola 24 otsatira sanadziwike ndi maloto olota.

Anamwino opanda malo anali pamwamba panga komanso kupitirira bedi. Zidazimiririka ndikungoonekera ndikamayandama ndikubwerera.

Ndinadzikweza kumtunda, ndikulemba pa bolodi lowerengera, "Mwana wanga ???" Ndinang'ung'udza mozungulira chubu chotsamwa, ndikutulutsa pepala ndikudutsa.

"Ndikufuna kuti upumule," anatero silhouette. "Tidziwa za mwana wanu."

Ndinaviika mmbuyo pansi. Ndinayesetsa kuti ndikhalebe tcheru, kulankhulana, komanso kusunga zambiri.

Kutaya magazi, kuthiridwa magazi, hysterectomy, nazale, khanda ...

Pafupifupi 2 koloko m'mawa - {textend} kupitilira theka la tsiku atandichotsa kwa ine - {textend} ndidakumana ndi mwana wanga wamkazi maso ndi maso. Namwino wakhanda yemwe anali wakhanda anali atamutengera mzimu kuchipatala kuti adze kwa ine. Manja anga akadali omangika, ndimangomumenya nkhope ndikumulola kuti adzatengedwenso.

Kutacha m'mawa, ndinali ndikugwidwa mu PACU, ndipo zikepe ndi ma corrid kutali, mwanayo samalandira mpweya wokwanira. Anasanduka wabuluu ndipo anasamukira ku NICU.

Anakhalabe m'bokosi ku NICU pomwe ine ndimapita ndekha kuchipatala. Kawiri patsiku, amuna anga, amapita kukacheza ndi mwanayo, kudzandichezera, kudzamuchezeranso, ndikundiuza chilichonse chatsopano chomwe akuganiza kuti sichili naye.

Choyipa chachikulu chinali kusadziwa konse kuti izi zitha kupitilira liti. Palibe amene angaganize - {textend} masiku awiri kapena miyezi iwiri?

Ndinathawira pansi kukakhala pafupi ndi bokosi lake, kenako ndikubwerera kuchipinda changa komwe ndidachita mantha kwamasiku atatu. Adali ku NICU pomwe ndimapita kunyumba.

Usiku woyamba nditabwerera pabedi langa, sindimatha kupuma. Ndinali wotsimikiza kuti ndadzipha mwangozi ndi mankhwala osakaniza ndi mankhwala opatsa ululu.

Tsiku lotsatira ku NICU, ndinayang'ana mwanayo akuvutika kuti adye osadzimira. Tidali pafupi ndi chipatala pomwe ndidayamba kuyenda pamsewu wopita pachilolezo cha nkhuku yokazinga.

Woyankhula pagalimoto adadodometsa kulira kwanga kosavomerezeka: "Yo, yo, yo, mukufuna kuti nkhuku ipite?"

Zinali zopanda nzeru kuchita izi.

Patadutsa miyezi ingapo, dokotala wanga adandiyamika momwe ndimasamalira kukhala ndi mwana wa NICU. Ndinali nditakhazikitsa mantha opocalyptic bwino kwambiri kotero kuti ngakhale katswiri wamaganizowa samandiona.

Kugwa uku, agogo anga aakazi anamwalira, ndipo sanakhudzidwe mtima. Mphaka wathu adamwalira pa Khrisimasi, ndipo ndidapepesa kwa mamuna wanga.

Kwa nthawi yopitilira chaka, malingaliro anga amangowonekera ndikayambitsidwa - {textend} poyendera chipatala, ndiwowonekera pachipatala pa TV, motsatira momwe amabadwira m'mafilimu, ndi omwe amakonda kukhala pa studio ya yoga.

Nditawona zithunzi kuchokera ku NICU, phokoso linatsegulidwa mu banki yanga ya kukumbukira. Ndidagwa ndikuphwanya, kubwerera nthawi yayitali milungu iwiri yakubadwa ya mwana wanga.

Nditawona zogwiritsira ntchito zamankhwala, ndinali nditabwerera kuchipatala. Kubwerera ku NICU ndi khanda Elizabeth.

Ndimamva kununkhira kwa zida zachitsulo, mwanjira ina. Ndinkamva nsalu zolimba za mikanjo yodzitetezera ndi zofunda za wakhanda. Chilichonse chimakanirira mozungulira ngolo yachitsulo yachinyamata. Mpweya unasiya. Ndinkangomva kulira kwa ma elektroniki kwa oyang'anira, mawonekedwe apampope, timiyendo tosimidwa tating'onoting'ono.

Ndinkalakalaka maseŵera a yoga - {textend} maola angapo sabata iliyonse pamene sindinatengeke ndiudindo woyendera amayi, kudziimba mlandu kwa makolo, komanso kuwopa kuti mwana wanga sanali bwino.

Ndinkadzipereka ku yoga sabata iliyonse ngakhale ndimalephera kupuma, ngakhale amuna anga atandilankhula kuti ndisadumphe nthawi zonse. Ndidalankhula ndi aphunzitsi anga pazomwe ndimakumana nazo, ndipo kugawana zanga pachiwopsezo kunali ndi chiombolo chowulula chachikatolika.

Patadutsa chaka chimodzi, ndidakhala m studio momwe ndidakumana ndi vuto lalikulu la PTSD. Ndinkadzikumbutsa kuti ndikamasuka mano nthawi ndi nthawi. Ndidasamalira kwambiri kuti ndisakhazikike panthawi yovuta poganizira komwe ndimakhala, mawonekedwe azomwe ndimakhala: pansi, amuna ndi akazi ozungulira ine, mawu a aphunzitsi anga.

Komabe, ndinkalimbana ndi chipindacho kuchokera kuchipinda chaching'ono mpaka kuchipatala chakuda. Komabe, ndinamenyera nkhondo kuti nditulutse kumangika kwa minofu yanga ndikuzindikira kupsinjika komwe kunkachitika.

Pamapeto pa kalasi, tonse tinatsalira ndikudzikonzekeretsa mozungulira chipinda. Mwambo wapadera udakonzedwa, wodziwitsa kutha ndi kuyamba kwa nyengo.

Tinakhala mphindi 20, ndikubwereza "ohm" nthawi 108.

Ndinapumira kwambiri ...

Oooooooooooooooooooo

Apanso, mpweya wanga udathamangira mkati ...

Oooooooooooooooooooo

Ndidamva kuyimba kwa mpweya wabwino ukulowa mkati, ndikusandulika ndi mimba yanga kukhala yotentha, yotsika kwambiri, liwu langa losazindikirika kuchokera kwa ena 20.

Inali nthawi yoyamba mzaka ziwiri nditapumira ndikutulutsa mpweya kwambiri. Ndinali kuchira.

Anna Lee Beyer alemba zaumoyo wamaganizidwe, kulera ana, ndi mabuku a Huffington Post, Romper, Lifehacker, Glamor, ndi ena. Mukamuyendere pa Facebook ndi Twitter.