Ndinagona Mimba Ndikudandaula Sindikanakonda Mwana Wanga

Zamkati

• Bwanji ngati sindinakonde mwana wanga?
• Nchifukwa chiyani unkayesa ngati sunali wotsimikiza kuti mukufuna mwana?
• Ndine munthu yemweyo, ndipo sindine

Zaka makumi awiri ndisanabadwe kuti ndili ndi pakati, ndimayang'ana pamene mwana yemwe ndimamulera ndimamuponyera masitepe ake, ndipo ndimadabwa kuti bwanji aliyense wamaganizidwe ake akufuna kukhala ndi ana.

Makolo a msungwanayo adanditsimikizira kuti, ngakhale atha kukhumudwa akamachoka, azikhazika mtima pansi ndikupereka chotoleza cha katsabola chonse kuchokera mumtsuko.

Pambuyo pa kulephera kowoneka bwino kwa njirayi, ndidakhala maola ambiri ndikuyesera kuti ndimusokoneze ndi makatuni, mitengo yakumbuyo, ndi masewera osiyanasiyana, koma sizinathandize. Analira mosalekeza ndipo kenako anagona pansi pansi pa bedi lake. Sindinabwerereko.

Bwanji ngati sindinakonde mwana wanga?

Msungwana wachichepere uja, limodzi ndi ana ena ambiri omwe sindinasangalale nawo masiku omwe ndimasamalira ana, anali m'maganizo mwanga nthawi yoyamba yomwe dokotala wanga anandiitana kuti ndikufunseni za mimba yanga. Sindingathe kuyankhula nkhawa zenizeni zomwe zandidya: Bwanji ngati sindimakonda mwana wanga? Bwanji ngati sindinakonde kukhala mayi?

Kudziwika komwe ndidakhala nako kwazaka makumi awiri zapitazi kumayang'ana kwambiri kuchita bwino kusukulu ndi ntchito yanga. Ana anali kutali mwina, osungidwira nthawi yamtsogolo yopanda tanthauzo. Vuto lokhala ndi ana ndiloti ndimakonda kugona. Ndinkafuna nthawi yowerenga, kupita kumakalasi a yoga, kapena kudya chakudya chamtendere m'malo odyera osadodometsedwa ndi khanda lolira, kamwana kosalala, kofuula pakati. Pamene ndinali ndi ana a abwenzi, mwana wosamalira wachinyamata wopanda nzeru uja adabweranso - chibadwa chodabwitsa cha amayi paliponse pomwe sichipezeka.

"Palibe vuto, muwona," aliyense anandiuza. "Ndizosiyana ndi ana anu omwe."

Ndakhala ndikudzifunsa kwazaka zambiri ngati izi zinali zowona. Ndinkasilira kutsimikizika kwa anthu omwe amati ayi - kapena inde - kukhala ndi ana osagwedezeka. Sindinachite kanthu koma kugwedezeka. Kwa malingaliro anga, mkazi samasowa ana kuti akhale munthu wathunthu, ndipo sindinamve ngati ndikusowa zambiri.

Ndipo komabe.

Kutalikirako mwina kwakukhala ndi ana kunayamba kumverera ngati tsopano kapena sindinayambe ndakhalapo nthawi yanga yakubala itayamba kuyenda. Pamene ine ndi mwamuna wanga tinadutsa zaka zisanu ndi ziŵiri tili m'banja, pamene ndimayandikira msinkhu wodziwika bwino kuti "mimba yachikale" - wazaka 35 - ndidakwera kuchoka kumpanda monyinyirika.

Pakumwa zakumwa ndi kandulo yocheperako pabalaza yamdima pafupi ndi nyumba yathu, ine ndi mwamuna wanga tidakambirana zakusinthana zakulera zamavitamini asanabadwe. Tinali titasamukira mumzinda watsopano, pafupi ndi banja lathu, ndipo zinaoneka ngati nthawi yoyenera. "Sindikuganiza kuti ndidzamva kuti ndine wokonzeka kwathunthu," ndinamuuza, koma ndinali wofunitsitsa kuti ndidumphe.

Patatha miyezi inayi, ndinali ndi pakati.

Nchifukwa chiyani unkayesa ngati sunali wotsimikiza kuti mukufuna mwana?

Nditawonetsa mamuna wanga chikwangwani chaching'ono cha pinki kuphatikiza, ndidaponya mayeso a mimba molunjika zinyalala. Ndinaganiza za anzanga omwe akhala akuyesera kukhala ndi mwana kwazaka ziwiri komanso njira zochiritsira zowerengera, za anthu omwe angawone kuphatikiza chizindikiro ndi chisangalalo kapena mpumulo kapena kuthokoza.

Ndinayesa, ndipo ndalephera, kudziyerekeza ndekha ndikusintha matewera ndikuyamwitsa. Ndinakhala zaka 20 ndikukana munthu ameneyo. Ine sindinali "mayi" basi.

Tidayesera kukhala ndi mwana, ndipo timakhala ndi mwana: Zomveka, ndimaganiza, ndiyenera kukhala wokondwa. Anzathu ndi abale athu onse adadandaula ndikudandaula titawauza nkhaniyi. Apongozi anga adalira misozi yachimwemwe yomwe sindinathe kuyipeza, bwenzi langa lapamtima linadandaula za momwe anali kundisangalalira.

"Zabwino zonse" zatsopanozi zimadzimva ngati mlandu wina woti sindinakonde mitolo ya chiberekero changa. Changu chawo, cholinga chakupatira ndikuthandizira, chidandikankhira kutali.

Kodi ndingayembekezere kukhala mayi wotani ngati sindimamukonda mwanayo wosabadwa? Kodi ndimayenera kukhala ndi mwana ameneyu? Mwina ndichinthu chomwe mukudabwa tsopano. Mwinanso mwana wanga amayenera kudaliridwa ndi munthu amene amadziwa popanda kunong'oneza kuti akumufuna, amamukonda kuyambira pomwe adaphunzira kuti alipo. Ndinkazilingalira tsiku lililonse. Koma ngakhale sindimamva kalikonse za iye, poyamba, osakhalitsa, anali wanga.

Zambiri za nkhawa zanga sindinkazibisa. Ndinkadzichititsa manyazi kale chifukwa cha malingaliro omwe anali osemphana ndi malingaliro apadziko lonse lapansi nthawi zambiri za mimba ndi umayi. "Ana ndi mdalitso," timatero - mphatso. Ndinkadziwa kuti sindingathe kupirira kutsutsidwa komwe kunabwera chifukwa chowonera kumwetulira kwa dokotala wanga kumatha kapena kuwona nkhawa m'maso mwa anzanga. Ndiyeno panali funso lofunsidwa: Chifukwa chiyani mumayesa ngati simunali otsimikiza kuti mukufuna mwana?

Zambiri zomwe ndimakonda kumangobwera chifukwa chodzidzimutsa. Kusankha kuyesa mwana kunali surreal, chidali gawo la tsogolo langa lopanda tanthauzo, mawu okhawo adasinthana pamakandulo akuthwanima. Kupeza kuti tili ndi mwana ameneyo inali njira yolondola yomwe imafuna nthawi kuti ichitike. Ndinalibe zaka zina 20 zoti ndiganizirenso za umunthu wanga, koma ndinali wokondwa kukhala ndi miyezi ina isanu ndi inayi yosinthira ku lingaliro la moyo watsopano. Osati kokha kubwera kwa mwana padziko lapansi, koma kusintha mawonekedwe a moyo wanga womwe kuti umukwanire.

Ndine munthu yemweyo, ndipo sindine

Mwana wanga wamwamuna pafupifupi chaka chimodzi tsopano, "nyemba yaying'ono," monga timamutchulira, amene wasintha dziko langa. Ndamva chisoni kutayika kwa moyo wanga wakale ndikusintha ndikukondwerera chatsopano.

Ndikupeza kuti tsopano ndimakhala m'malo awiri nthawi imodzi. Pali mbali ya "amayi" yanga, mbali yatsopano ya chizindikiritso changa yomwe yakhala ndi kuthekera kwa chikondi cha amayi chomwe sindimakhulupirira kuti chingatheke. Gawoli ndiloyamika chifukwa chodzuka 6 koloko m'mawa (m'malo mwa 4:30 am), ndimatha maola ambiri ndikuimba "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" kungowona kumwetulira kumodzi ndikumvanso kusekerera kokoma, ndipo ndikufuna kutero siyani nthawi yosunga mwana wanga wam'ng'ono kwamuyaya.

Ndiye pali mbali yanga yomwe ndakhala ndikuidziwa. Yemwe amakumbukira mwachidwi masiku ogona mochedwa kumapeto kwa sabata ndikuwona akazi opanda ana mumsewu ndi nsanje, podziwa kuti safunika kunyamula mapaundi 100 a zida za ana ndikulimbana ndi woyenda asanatuluke panja. Yemwe amafunitsitsa kukambirana ndi achikulire ndipo sangadikire nthawi yomwe mwana wanga wamwamuna ndi wamkulu komanso wodziyimira pawokha.

Ndimawakumbatira onse awiri. Ndimakonda kuti ndadzipeza ndekha ngati "amayi" ndipo ndikuyamikira kuti nthawi zonse padzakhala zambiri kwa ine kuposa kukhala mayi. Ndine munthu yemweyo, ndipo sindine.

Chomwe tikudziwa ndichakuti: Ngakhale mwana wanga wamwamuna akayamba kuponya zipatso, ndimamupitabe.

Pakati pa ntchito yake yotsatsa yanthawi zonse, kulemba pawokha pambali, ndikuphunzira momwe angagwirire ntchito ngati mayi, Erin Olson akuvutikabe kuti apeze ntchito yovuta yamoyo wantchito. Akupitiliza kufunafuna kunyumba kwake ku Chicago, mothandizidwa ndi mwamuna wake, mphaka ndi mwana wamwamuna wakhanda.