Kuchita Ndi Chikondi Chosakondedwa

Zamkati

• Kodi mitundu yosiyanasiyana ndi iti?
• Zizindikiro zake ndi ziti?
• Chikondi chanu sichikuwoneka kuti chikufuna kupititsa patsogolo chibwenzicho
• Amachedwetsa kuyankha mayitanidwe, mameseji, ndi mafoni
• Kukana zizindikilo iwo alibe chidwi
• Kugwiritsa ntchito zomwe mukudziwa za iwo kuti muyandikire
• Kukumana ndi zokhumudwitsa zambiri
• Zolimbana kuti muchotse m'malingaliro mwanu
• Kodi pali njira iliyonse yochitira ndi izi?
• Lankhulani za izi…
• … Koma osachedwa
• Mverani momwe mukumvera…
• … Kenako mudzisokoneze
• Sinthani njira yanu
• Pezani tanthauzo pazochitikazo
• Dzifunseni zomwe mukufuna
• Nthawi yoti muthandizidwe
• Ngati mukufuna thandizo pano
• Nanga bwanji ngati inu simukumva mofananamo?
• Kupewa nthawi zambiri sikuthandiza
• Perekani chifundo
• Pangani kukana kwanu kumveke bwino
• Mfundo yofunika

Kodi mudakopekapo ndi anthu otchuka omwe sanadziwe kuti mulipo? Kukhalitsa kwa wokondedwa atatha? Kapenanso mudakondana kwambiri ndi mnzanu wapamtima koma mumabisa zakukhosi kwanu.

Zochitika izi zikufotokozera chikondi chosafunsidwa, kapena chikondi chosagwirizana. Ngati malingaliro anu samakulira kupitilira kukondana kwakukulu, mwina simungamve kukhumudwa nawo. Koma kuwawa kwa chikondi chamunthu m'modzi kumatha kukhalabe pomwe mumakondadi wina.

Kodi mitundu yosiyanasiyana ndi iti?

Panthawi inayake pamoyo wanu, mwina mwakhala mukusangalatsidwa ndi munthu mmodzi yemwe sanamvere chimodzimodzi. Tsoka ilo, ichi ndi chochitika chokongola konsekonse. Koma si njira yokhayo yopezera chikondi chosafunsidwa.

"Chikondi chosafunsidwa chitha kuwonekera m'njira zosiyanasiyana," akutero Kim Egel, LMFT.

Amagawana mitundu yodziwika:

• chikhumbo cha wina kupezeka
• kulira kwa munthu yemwe alibe malingaliro ofanana
• kumvana pakati pa anthu omwe akuchita nawo maubwenzi ena
• malingaliro okhalitsa kwa wokondedwa atatha kutha

Chikondi chosayanjanitsanso chimatha kuchitika mukamakhala pachibwenzi ngati mukumvera kwambiri koma chidwi cha mnzake sichingakulire.

Zizindikiro zake ndi ziti?

Chikondi chosafunsidwa chimatha kuwoneka mosiyanasiyana pamitundu yosiyanasiyana. Koma Melissa Stringer, LPC, akufotokoza chizindikiro chofunikira cha chikondi chosafunsidwanso ngati "kulakalaka kwakukulu komwe kumatenga nthawi yayikulu ndipo sikungabwezeretsedwe pachikondi chanu."

Nazi zinthu zina zachindunji zomwe zingawonetse kuti chikondi sichimagwirizana.

Chikondi chanu sichikuwoneka kuti chikufuna kupititsa patsogolo chibwenzicho

Mukufuna kufufuza kulumikizana kwakuya, chifukwa chake mumayamba kuwaitanira kuti azikhala nthawi yambiri limodzi. Koma amakhala patali pamene mukuyesetsa kuti muyandikire. Mwinanso amatcha zomwe mumawona ngati deti "hangout," kapena amapempha anzawo kuti adzakhale nawo usiku womwe munakonzekera.

Kupanda chidwi kwawo kumatha kuwonetsanso momwe mumalumikizirana. Mukamayesa kufunsa mafunso okhudzana ndi zikhulupiriro ndi zikhulupiriro zawo, mwachitsanzo, sangakupatseni mayankho ambiri kapena kukufunsani chimodzimodzi.

Amachedwetsa kuyankha mayitanidwe, mameseji, ndi mafoni

Mukuwona ngati mukugwira ntchito yambiri kuti mucheze? Mwinanso amatenga mayankho kwamuyaya. Kapenanso mukawaitanira kunja, amati, "Mwina! Ndikudziwitsani "ndipo musatsimikizire mpaka mphindi yomaliza.

Ngati izi zikupitilira ndipo sakupereka zifukwa zilizonse, monga choyenera kale, pakhoza kukhala chifukwa china chamakhalidwe awo.

Kukana zizindikilo iwo alibe chidwi

Ngakhale mumayisita motani, chikondi chosafunsidwa chimapweteketsa. Kuti athane ndi zowawa, si zachilendo kupyola gawo lakukana.

Mwinanso mumanyalanyaza zizindikilo zomwe simukuzidziwa bwino ndikusankha kuyang'ana momwe zingakhalire:

• kukumbatirana kapena kukugwirani mwamwayi
• ndikukuyamikani
• kuuzeni kapena kufunsa maganizo anu

Koma anthu ena amangokhala achikondi komanso otseguka, zomwe zingakhale zosokoneza mukamayesa kudziwa chidwi chawo mwa inu.

"Kuzindikira chikondi chomwe sichinaperekedwe," Egel akuti, "kumafunikira kuthekera kwanu kuti muzidzifotokozera nokha zomwe zikuchitika." Izi zimaphatikizapo kutchera khutu kuzisonyezo za munthu winayo, ngakhale kuvomereza momwe akumvera kungakhalire kovuta.

Kugwiritsa ntchito zomwe mukudziwa za iwo kuti muyandikire

Mutha kupeza kuti mukuganiza njira zomwe mungadzikongoletse kwa mnzanuyo. Mwinanso amakonda kusewera ndi snowboard, ndiye mwadzidzidzi mumayamba - ngakhale mumadana ndi kuzizira ndipo masewera.

Kukumana ndi zokhumudwitsa zambiri

Chikondi chosabwezedwa nthawi zambiri chimakhudza kutengeka mtima, malinga ndi Stringer.

"Chizoloŵezichi nthawi zambiri chimayamba ndi chiyembekezo pamene mukukonzekera njira zothetsera chibwenzi," akufotokoza. Koma zoyesayesizi zikalephera, mutha kukhala ndi "malingaliro akunyalanyazidwa ndikudzimvera chisoni, kukhumudwa, kukwiya, kuipidwa, nkhawa, komanso manyazi."

Zolimbana kuti muchotse m'malingaliro mwanu

"Chikondi chosafunsidwa nthawi zambiri chimagwirizanitsidwa ndikulakalaka komwe kumatha kuyambiranso kukhumudwitsa kwanu," akutero Egel. Zomverera zanu za munthu zimatha kubwera tsiku lanu lonse, m'malo osiyanasiyana m'moyo wanu.

Mwachitsanzo, mutha:

• fufuzani Facebook kuti muwone ngati amakonda tsamba lanu (kapena adagawana chilichonse chomwe mungayankhepo)
• lembani makalata kapena zolemba (zomwe simumatumiza) kuti muulule zakukhosi kwanu
• amagula mdera lawo akuyembekeza kuwawona
• lankhulani za iwo nthawi zambiri
• Ingoganizirani zochitika pomwe mumawauza momwe mumamvera

Kodi pali njira iliyonse yochitira ndi izi?

Zimapweteka pamene malingaliro anu sakubwezeredwa. M'malo mwake, kafukufuku wocheperako kuchokera ku 2011 akuwonetsa kuti kukanidwa kumayambitsa magawo omwewo muubongo ngati kupweteka kwakuthupi. Malangizo awa atha kukuthandizani kuthana ndi ululu mpaka utachepa.

Lankhulani za izi…

Kukambirana ndi munthu winayo zakumverera kwanu kumatha kuwoneka kowopsa, koma nthawi zambiri ndiyo njira yabwino yothetsera vutolo.

Ngati mukumva zisonyezo zosokoneza, monga machitidwe achinyengo kapena manja achikondi, ochokera kwa munthu amene mumamukonda, kuyankhula zazinthuzi kungakuthandizeni. Sizovuta nthawi zonse kumasulira zamunthu wina, chifukwa chake mwina simudziwa momwe akumvera pokhapokha atakuwuzani.

Mukumverera mopambanitsa? Zilinso bwino kwambiri kungolankhula ndi bwenzi lodalirika pazomwe mukukumana nazo. Nthawi zina, kungochotsa pachifuwa chanu kumatha kukupatsani mpumulo.

… Koma osachedwa

Mumavomereza kuti mumakonda mnzanu, koma amakukana. Mukupwetekedwa, koma mukufuna kukhalabe abwenzi. Njira yabwino yochitira izi ndikungoganizira zaubwenzi wanu.

Ngati afotokoza momveka bwino kuti sali ndi chidwi chokhudzidwa ndi aliyense, siyani nkhani yachikondi. Kupitiliza kuwatsata kapena kuyembekeza kuti asintha mtima wawo pamapeto pake kumawakhumudwitsa, kuwononga ubale wanu, ndikupweteketsani mtima.

Koma musamve ngati mukuyenera kukakamiza ubale wanu pompano, mwina. Ndi zachilendo kwathunthu kufuna malo ndi nthawi yochira.

Mverani momwe mukumvera…

Chikondi chosabwezedwa nthawi zambiri chimakhudza malingaliro ambiri, osati onse oyipa.

Mutha kukhala okondwa kuwona munthu amene mumamukonda, ali pamwamba padziko lapansi mukamacheza nawo, komanso zachisoni kwambiri mukazindikira kuti simudzakhalanso ndi chibwenzi chawo.

Yesani kuyesa kulabadira malingaliro onsewa. Alandireni momwe amabwera popanda kuwaweruza. Ingowazindikirani ndi kuwalola kuti adutse. Kulankhula za iwo momwe mumawawonera (ngakhale omwe amapweteka) kungathandizenso.

… Kenako mudzisokoneze

Zomverera zanu zonse ndizovomerezeka, ndipo kuzindikira ndi kuvomereza kungakuthandizeni kupita mtsogolo.

Koma yesetsani kukhala osamala, popeza nthawi yochulukirapo itha kukupangitsani kukhala omvetsa chisoni. Masana, zitha kuthandiza kukhazikitsa malingaliro mpaka mutakhala ndi nthawi ndi malo oti muwathetse.

Sinthani njira yanu

Nazi njira zina zosinthira magiya:

• Yesetsani kupeza nthawi yochulukirapo momwe mungathere pochita zosangalatsa zanu, anzanu, komanso zinthu zina zosangalatsa.
• Dzisamalire mwa kudya chakudya chokhazikika ndikukhala otanganidwa.
• Dzichitireni kanthu kakang'ono, kaya ndi maluwa atsopano, chakudya chabwino, kapena buku latsopano kapena kanema.
• Ganizirani za chibwenzi mwamwayi, mukakhala wokonzeka, kuti mupeze mnzanu yemwe amachita bwezerani malingaliro anu.

Pezani tanthauzo pazochitikazo

"Sizokhudza zomwe zimatichitikira m'moyo, ndizokhudza momwe tingachitire ndi zomwe tikukumana nazo," akutero Egel.

Mumakonda winawake ndipo mumafuna kuti inunso mukondwere.Mwina simunapeze zotsatira zomwe mumayembekezera, koma sizitanthauza kuti chikondi chanu chilibe tanthauzo. Kodi mwaphunzira kanthu za inu nokha? Kukula mwanjira ina? Mukulitsa ubale wolimba ndi munthuyo?

Kukana kumatha kupweteketsa mtima, koma chikondi chitha kukhalanso chocheperako ndikusunthira mchikondi china chomwe chimafanana ndiubwenzi. Mwina sizingawonekere kukhala zotonthoza tsopano, koma tsiku lina mudzalemekeza kwambiri ubwenzi umenewu.

Dzifunseni zomwe mukufuna

"Nthawi zonse mumamva zakukhosi kwanu," akutero Egel. "Mukamayang'ana chidwi cha zomwe mwakumana nazo, momwe mukumvera zimatha kukulozerani njira yoyenera."

Mwina zomwe mwakumana nazo zakuphunzitsani zambiri zamtundu wa munthu yemwe mumakopeka naye, mwachitsanzo.

Ngati mupitiliza kukumana ndi chikondi chosafunsidwa, zitha kukuthandizani kudziwa ngati izi zikunenapo zosowa zanu. Kukondana ndi anthu omwe samakubwezeretsani malingaliro anu kungatanthauze kuti mungamve ngati muyenera kukondana ndi munthu wina pomwe muli osangalala kwambiri panokha. Mwinamwake simukufuna kwenikweni chibwenzi - palibe cholakwika ndi izo.

Nthawi yoti muthandizidwe

Kuchita ndi chikondi chomwe sichinapemphedwe ndi chifukwa chomveka chofunira chithandizo cha wothandizira.

Stringer akuwonetsa kuti chithandizo chitha kukhala chothandiza makamaka ngati:

• Simungaleke kutsatira munthu winayo atanena kuti alibe chidwi.
• Mumakhala nthawi yochuluka mukuganiza za munthu winayo zomwe zimasokoneza moyo wanu watsiku ndi tsiku.
• Anzanu ndi okondedwa anu akudandaula za khalidwe lanu.

Ngati mukumva kuti mwapanikizika, mulibe chiyembekezo, kapena muli ndi malingaliro ofuna kudzipha, ndibwino kuti mukalankhule ndi katswiri wophunzitsidwa nthawi yomweyo.

Ngati mukufuna thandizo pano

Ngati mukuganiza zodzipha kapena mukuganiza zodzipweteka nokha, mutha kuyimbira Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration ku 800-662-HELP (4357).

Hotline ya 24/7 ikulumikizani ndi zithandizo zamaganizidwe mdera lanu. Akatswiri ophunzitsidwa amathanso kukuthandizani kuti mupeze zofunikira za boma lanu ngati mulibe inshuwaransi yazaumoyo.

Ndikwanzeru kufunafuna chithandizo cha akatswiri ngati malingaliro anu angayambitse zovuta zomwe zingakhalepo, monga kutsatira munthuyo, kudikirira mozungulira nyumba yawo kapena ntchito, kapena zochita zina zomwe zingawoneke ngati kusokosera.

Malinga ndi Egel, kukopeka ndi chikondi chamunthu m'modzi kungatanthauzenso kuti mukulimbana ndi zotsalira zamaganizidwe kapena zakale zomwe sizinawululidwe. Therapy ingakuthandizeni kuthana ndi izi, zomwe zingakuthandizeni kukonza njira yokondana.

Nanga bwanji ngati inu simukumva mofananamo?

Kukana munthu mwachifundo sikophweka nthawi zonse, makamaka ngati umamukondadi munthuyo.

Mwinanso mungaganize zoyeserera kukhala nawo m'malo mowona zomwe zikuchitika. Koma ngati mukutsimikiza kuti mulibe chidwi chilichonse ndi chibwenzi, izi zitha kukupangitsani zovuta nonse.

Nawa maupangiri oyendetsera izi mwabwino

Kupewa nthawi zambiri sikuthandiza

Mungafune kuwapewa mpaka malingaliro awo atha, koma izi zingakupwetekeni nonse, makamaka ngati muli abwenzi abwino. M'malo mwake, yesetsani kulankhula za vutolo. Izi zitha kukhala zosasangalatsa, koma kukambirana moona mtima kungakuthandizeni nonse kupita patsogolo.

Samalani momwe mungafotokozere kuti mulibe chidwi. Khalani owona mtima, koma okoma mtima. Tchulani zinthu zomwe mumaziona bwino musanalongosole chifukwa chomwe simukuwawona ngati banja.

Perekani chifundo

Mwayi wake, mwakhala mukumverera kwa wina yemwe sanazibwezere nthawi ina. Ganizirani momwe izi zidakupangitsani kumva. Nchiyani chikanakuthandizani panthawiyo?

Ngakhale simunakumanepo ndi chikondi chosafunsidwa, kupereka kukoma mtima mpaka ululu wa kukanidwa utatha zitha kuthandiza munthu winayo kupeza chitonthozo muubwenzi womwe ulipo kale.

Pangani kukana kwanu kumveke bwino

Ndikofunika kunena momveka bwino kuti simukufuna. Mwina simukufuna kukhumudwitsa anzawo momveka bwino, "Sindikumva choncho kwa inu." Koma kukana kosamveka kapena kopanda tanthauzo kumatha kuwalimbikitsa kuti apitirize kuyesa.

Kukhala patsogolo pakadali pano kungathandize kupewa zopweteka komanso kukhumudwa kwa nonse.

Yesani:

• "Ndinu ofunika kwa ine ndipo ndimayamikira nthawi yomwe timakhala limodzi, koma ndimangokuwonani ngati anzanu."
• "Sindikusangalatsani nanu mwachikondi, koma ndikufuna kukhalabe abwenzi abwino. Kodi tingachite bwanji zimenezi? ”

Pewani kunena zinthu monga, "Upeza wina amene akuyenera," kapena, "Sindikukuchitira zabwino." Izi zingawoneke ngati zopanda pake. Akhozanso kutulutsa mayankho ngati, "Mukudziwa bwanji, ngati sitiyesa?"

Mfundo yofunika

Chikondi chosafunsidwa chimatha kukhala chovuta kwa aliyense amene akutenga nawo mbali, koma zinthu ndidzatero khalani bwino ndi nthawi. Ngati mukuvutika, mankhwalawa nthawi zonse amatha kupereka malo otetezeka, opanda chiweruzo kuti mugwire ntchito momwe mumamvera.

Crystal Raypole adagwirapo ntchito ngati wolemba komanso mkonzi wa GoodTherapy. Magawo ake achidwi akuphatikiza zilankhulo ndi mabuku aku Asia, kumasulira kwachijapani, kuphika, sayansi yachilengedwe, chiyembekezo chogonana, komanso thanzi lamaganizidwe. Makamaka, akudzipereka kuthandiza kuchepetsa manyazi pazokhudza matenda amisala.