Tsiku mu Moyo wa Wina Wodandaula

Zamkati

• Kupeza Mpumulo

Anandipeza ndi nkhawa ya anthu pa 24, ngakhale ndimakhala ndikuwonetsa zizindikilo kuyambira ndili ndi zaka 6. Zaka khumi ndi zisanu ndi zitatu ndikumangidwa kwa nthawi yayitali, makamaka ngati simunaphe aliyense.

Ndili mwana, ankanditcha kuti “wanzeru” komanso “wamanyazi.” Ndinkadana ndi kusonkhana kwathu ndipo nthawi ina ndinalira pomwe amandiimbira "Tsiku lobadwa lachimwemwe". Sindinathe kufotokoza. Ndinangodziwa kuti sindimakhala womasuka kukhala pakati pa chidwi. Ndipo momwe ndimakulira, "idakulira" ndi ine. Kusukulu, kupemphedwa kuti ndiwerenge ntchito yanga mokweza kapena kuyitanidwa kuti ndiyankhe funso kumatha kusokonezeka. Thupi langa linkauma, ndinkachita manyazi kwambiri, ndipo sindinkatha kulankhula. Usiku, ndimatha maola ambiri ndikuwunika mayendedwe omwe ndimakhala nawo tsikulo, ndikufufuza zikwangwani zomwe anzanga akusukulu adadziwa kuti pali china chake cholakwika ndi ine.

Yunivesite inali yosavuta, chifukwa cha mankhwala amatsenga otchedwa mowa, chidaliro changa chamadzi. Pomaliza, ndimatha kusangalala kumaphwando! Komabe, pansi pamtima ndimadziwa kuti iyi sinali yankho. Nditamaliza maphunziro anga kuyunivesite, ndidapeza ntchito yosindikiza ndikusintha kuchokera kumudzi wakwawo kupita ku likulu lalikulu lomwe ndi London. Ndinamva chisangalalo. Zoonadi ndinali mfulu tsopano? "Icho" sichinganditsatire mpaka ku London?

Kwa kanthawi kochepa ndinali wokondwa, ndikugwira ntchito m'makampani omwe ndimakonda. Sindinali Claire "wamanyazi" pano. Sindinadziwike monga aliyense. Komabe, popita nthawi ndidazindikira zikwangwani zakuyankhula zikubwerera. Ngakhale ndimagwira bwino ntchito yanga, ndimadzimva kuti sindili bwino ndipo ndimachita thukuta nthawi iliyonse mnzanga akandifunsa funso. Ndidasanthula nkhope za anthu akamandilankhula, ndikuopa kugundana ndi munthu yemwe ndimamudziwa kukweza kapena kukhitchini. Usiku, ndinkada nkhawa za tsiku lotsatira mpaka nditadzitopetsa. Ndinkatopa kwambiri ndipo ndinkangokhalira kudwala.

Ili linali tsiku wamba:

7:00 a.m. Ndimadzuka ndipo, kwa masekondi pafupifupi 60, zonse zili bwino. Kenako, imagunda, ngati funde lomwe likugwera thupi langa, ndipo ndimangonjenjemera. Lolemba m'mawa ndipo ndili ndi sabata lathunthu logwira ntchito yoti ndichite. Kodi ndimakhala ndi misonkhano ingati? Kodi ndiyembekezeka kupereka? Kodi ndingatani ndikakumana ndi mnzanga kwinakwake? Kodi tingapeze zinthu zoti tikambirane? Ndikudwala ndikudumpha pakama kuyesa kusokoneza malingaliro.

7:30 a.m. Pakudya kadzutsa, ndimawonera TV ndipo ndimayesetsa kutsekereza kulira kwa mutu wanga. Malingaliro adalumphira pabedi nane, ndipo akupitilira. "Aliyense amaganiza kuti ndiwe wodabwitsa. Uyamba kuchita manyazi aliyense akakulankhula. " Sindidya kwambiri.

8:30 a.m. Ulendo ndi hellish, monga nthawi zonse. Sitimayo yadzaza ndipo yatentha kwambiri. Ndimamva kupsa mtima komanso kuchita mantha pang'ono. Mtima wanga ukugunda ndipo ndimayesetsa mwachidwi kudzidodometsa, ndikubwereza "Zili bwino" pamutu pamutu panga ngati nyimbo. Chifukwa chiyani anthu akundiyang'ana? Kodi ndikuchita zachilendo?

9:00 a.m. Ndimadzimvera chisoni ndikamapereka moni kwa anzanga komanso manejala. Kodi ndimawoneka wokondwa? Chifukwa chiyani sindingaganizirepo china chilichonse chosangalatsa kunena? Amandifunsa ngati ndikufuna khofi, koma ndimakana. Ndibwino kuti ndisadzipangire chidwi ndikufunsanso latte ya soya.

9:05 a.m. Mtima wanga umamira ndikamayang'ana kalendala yanga. Pali zakumwa pambuyo pa ntchito usikuuno, ndipo ndikuyembekezeredwa kugwirana netiweki. "Udzipusitsa," amvekere, ndipo mtima wanga umayambanso kugunda.

11:30 a.m. Nthawi yamisonkhano, mawu anga amang'ambika pang'ono poyankha funso lofunikira kwambiri. Ndimayankha ndikumva manyazi. Thupi langa lonse likuwotcha ndi manyazi ndipo ndikufuna kwambiri kutuluka mchipinda. Palibe amene akunena, koma ndikudziwa zomwe akuganiza: "Ndizodabwitsa bwanji."

1:00 p.m. Anzanga amapita ku lesitilanti nkhomaliro, koma ine ndimakana. Ndingokhala modzidzimutsa, ndiye bwanji ndikuwononga chakudya chawo? Kupatula apo, ndikudziwa kuti adangondiitanira chifukwa amandimvera chisoni. Pakati pakuluma saladi yanga, ndalemba zomwe ndikambirana madzulo ano. Ndikuziziritsa nthawi ina, chifukwa chake ndibwino kukhala ndi zosunga zobwezeretsera.

3:30 p.m. Ndakhala ndikuyang'ana pa spreadsheet yomweyi pafupifupi maola awiri. Sindingathe kukhazikika. Malingaliro anga akupanga zochitika zonse zomwe zingachitike madzulo ano. Kodi ndingatani ndikathirira chakumwa changa pa wina? Nanga bwanji ndikapunthwa ndikugwa pansi? Oyang'anira kampaniyo adzakwiya kwambiri. Nditha kutha ntchito. O, chifukwa cha Mulungu bwanji sindingaleke kuganiza motere? Zachidziwikire kuti palibe amene azidzangoganizira za ine. Ndikumva kutuluka thukuta komanso kutopa.

6:15 madzulo Chochitikacho chidayamba mphindi 15 zapitazo ndipo ndikubisala mchimbudzi. M'chipinda chotsatira, nyanja ya nkhope ikusakanikirana. Ndikudabwa ngati ndingathe kubisala pano usiku wonse? Maganizo oyesa.

7:00 p.m. Kuyanjana ndi mlendo, ndipo ndikutsimikiza kuti watopa. Dzanja langa lamanja likunjenjemera mofulumira, kotero ndikuziika m'thumba langa ndikukhulupirira kuti sazindikira. Ndikumva kupusa ndikuwululidwa. Amangoyang'anitsitsa phewa langa. Ayenera kukhala wofunitsitsa kuti athawe. Wina aliyense amawoneka ngati akusangalala. Ndikulakalaka ndikadakhala kunyumba.

8:15 madzulo Ndimakhala ulendo wonse wobwerera kunyumba ndikumayankhira zokambirana zilizonse m'mutu mwanga. Ndine wotsimikiza kuti ndimawoneka wosamvetseka komanso wopanda ntchito usiku wonse. Winawake adzakhala atazindikira.

9:00 p.m. Ndili pabedi, ndatopa kwathunthu patsikulo. Ndimamva kukhala ndekha.

Kupeza Mpumulo

Pambuyo pake, masiku ngati awa adayambitsa zowopsa zingapo ndikuwonongeka kwamanjenje. Ndikanatha kudzikankhira kutali kwambiri.

Dokotala anandipeza m'masekondi 60: "Matenda a nkhawa." Momwe amalankhula mawuwa, ndidagwetsa misozi yachisoni. Pambuyo pazaka zonsezi, "iyo" idakhala ndi dzina, ndipo ndimatha kuchita kena kake kuthana nalo. Anandipatsa mankhwala, mankhwala a CBT, ndipo ndinasainidwa ntchito kwa mwezi umodzi. Izi zidandilola kuti ndichiritse. Kwa nthawi yoyamba m'moyo wanga sindinkaona ngati wopanda thandizo. Nkhawa zamagulu ndi zina zomwe zitha kuwongoleredwa. Zaka zisanu ndi chimodzi mtsogolo, ndipo ndikuchita zomwezo. Ndikanama ndikananena kuti ndachiritsidwa, koma ndine wokondwa ndipo sindine kapolo wa matenda angawa.

Osadwala ndi matenda amisala chete. Zinthu zitha kukhala zopanda chiyembekezo, koma nthawi zonse pamakhala china chake chomwe chingachitike.

Claire Eastham ndi wolemba mabulogu komanso wolemba bwino kwambiri wa "Tonse Tili Amisala Pano". Mutha kulumikizana naye pa blog yake, kapena tweet yake @ClaireyChiku.